Saturday, December 03, 2005

Christmas Gift Ideas

How about a Cell Phony? It looks exactly like the real thing, but it's not. This is a cell phone that doesn't actually receive any incoming calls. However, it still lights up, so you can pretend to check make believe messages. And best of all, it can be programmed to randomly ring so other people will think you lead a busy social life. That you're actually somebody.

Imagine the conversations you can pretend to have. Act like it's a different girl or guy every time--someone that is eagerly waiting to have sex with you. Talk to your broker. Broker deals of your own. Pretend you're talking to world leaders. Defuse bombs. "Kill them all!"

The Cell Phony also comes with a hidden disable button, so that if anyone ever asks to borrow your phone, it will conveniently be out of service.

There's no monthly fees, no contracts, no roaming charges, no worry about extra minutes. It comes with a fully rechargeable battery, but none of the hassles.

The Cell Phony. Everything you want in a cell phone without ever actually having to be popular.

ProLife Across America

I've been noticing a lot of billboards around southwest Missouri lately, brought to us by the group ProLife Across America. The billboards all feature pictures of cute little babies with messages such as the age at which a heart starts beating, when a fetus first smiles, and the overriding message that life begins at conception. The thing that I've come to notice the most, however, is that all of the babies are white.

I'm not exactly certain what to make of that. Are only white babies being aborted? Are only white babies worth not aborting? Are babies of color just not that cute?

Ask them. There number is 1-800-366-7773. It should be an interesting call.

Spreading the Word

This morning on my way to work, driving down Glenstone in beautiful uptown Springfield, Missouri, I noticed the message on the marquee for Glenstone Baptist Church. I was inspired.

It said: "God intervenes in the affairs of men by invitation only." It must be me, but the first thing that came to mind was Job. It's been awhile since I've read that book, but if memory serves, I don't remember Job asking the Lord to totally f*** over his life. But it would've made an interesting prayer. "Dear God, would you please kill off my entire family, take away everything I own, and cover me with boils, just so you can win some stupid bet with Satan."

And what the hell was God doing betting with Satan? Why did he have to prove anything to the devil? I figured kicking him out of heaven to spend eternity chained to a burning lake in the eternal darkness of hell would've pretty much settled any question of who was in charge. But apparently not. How the hell did Satan get out of there? But I digress.

Maybe God only intervenes when you ask for something good. And "you" had better be a man. Apparently women are out of luck. Of course, that's pretty consistent with the Bible any way. Unless you're Mary, forget it. And even at that, the only reason we give a damn about Mary is because she never put out. Makes you kind of glad to have a penis. Too bad God really doesn't want us to use them. But, once again I digress.

Friday, December 02, 2005

I've Been a Naughty Boy

With the Christmas season upon us (as it has been seen early October), there's nothing better to get us in the spirit to brave the holiday traffic and the shopping malls than a stirring Christmas carol.

I thought he was a prowler...
How was I too know?
Creeping down my hallway
all covered up with snow...

Oh he shouldn’t’ve been a creepin’
through my house so late at night.
He should’ve known I’d exercise
my God given Constitutional right.

There’ll be no Christmas morning,
so much for Christmas day,
‘cause I’ve been a naughty boy.
I blew Santa Claus away.

Oh, I’ve been a naughty boy
and I know I’ll have to pay.
There’ll be coal in my stocking
‘cause I blew Santa Claus away.

There were eight tiny little reindeer
out there on my lawn.
What was I to do with them
now that Santa was gone?

Don’t be too darn critical
until you’re in my shoes,
and don’t tell me what’s right or wrong
while you’re eating my barbecue.

Oh, I’ve been a naughty boy
and I know I’ll have to pay.
My Christmas tree will be bare,
‘cause I blew Santa Claus away.

I guess what’s done is done,
and there’s not much more to say,
but I can make you one helluva deal
if you need a second hand sleigh.

Oh, I’ve been a naughty boy
and I know I’ll have to pay.
I’ll only have switches for presents,
‘cause I blew Santa Claus away.

The Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch Newsletter #5

The War in Iraq

My Fellow Americans,

America has become bogged down in Iraq, and there seems to be no end in sight. The casualties there are bad enough, but what may even be worse, the war is starting to divide our country here at home. We are in danger of falling into another Vietnam, which, as we all know, led to a decline in our entire society -- a decline in morals, religion, and an unprecedented increase in rampant personal freedoms. We cannot let that happen again.

One solution is simply to pull out and leave Iraq to the Iraqis. Those in favor of this argue that all the godless Muslims will still kill each other with their car bombs, but at least they will not be killing us. In fact, less people overall may end up dying. They claim that even if Saddam where allowed to go back to running the country, it would be better than it is now, or even than it will be maybe for generations to come, if ever.

Obviously, we cannot allow that to happen. If we were to leave now, all of our men and women who have valiantly died there will have died in vain. Our standing as a global super power capable of making anybody anywhere do whatever we want would be in peril. Those politicians who originally thought invading Iraq was a good idea would end up looking silly, and probably would not be re-elected, ever -- for anything. And besides, if we leave Iraq now, then we wouldn’t get all that oil.

After studying this problem, I have come up with a rather simple, but bold solution. And it is a solution that has been historically tested. It worked with the Israelites in Babylonia; it worked with the Palestinians in Israel; it worked with the Romans just about everywhere, and it will work with the Iraqis now.

As long as the Iraqis are in Iraq, they will be a problem. My solution, therefore, is to move the entire population of Iraq to Alaska.

Alaska is the obvious choice. First of all, few Americans have ever been there; consequently, few Americans would miss it if it were gone. Besides, it’s not going anywhere; we’re just increasing the population, which could only bring better economic times to Alaska.

Moving the Iraqi population would be simple. We just load them on buses and let them drive themselves there. At first, that would seem a silly idea, but not if you go north. They can drive over the Arctic ice cap. For one thing, it’s actually a shorter distance if you go north. Also, if the bus gets stuck, they’ll be plenty of people who can get out and push it. And the drive there will help the Iraqis get acclimated to the cold.

Once in Alaska, the various flavors of Iraqis will have to put aside their petty differences and work together. They will have a common goal. Which mosque you go to is not quite as important when you’re faced with freezing. And truly, few of them will actually freeze. Besides, cold weather builds character.

Also, in Alaska the infrastructure is already there. There are roads. The electricity and water work most of the time. There are sewers and telephones. A democratic government is already there. We’re not starting from scratch. And even if their air conditioning doesn’t work, who’s going to complain? And just think, if global warming melts all of Alaska, the Iraqis won’t miss the snow. No one will complain. And don’t you get tired of those bleeding-heart environmentalists always complaining?

In a generation, for most Iraqis Alaska would be all that they know. Iraq would just be stories told by old people to scare children into eating their vegetables. They would be so used to living in Alaska, they wouldn’t want to go back. Truly, how many African Americans really want to go back to Africa?

Those people living in Alaska now wouldn’t have to leave. After all, there’s plenty of land up there. Heck, Alaska is bigger than Iraq. But if the Alaskans wanted to, they could go to Iraq. They could even take the buses.

Iraq would become a new frontier. People from all over the world would move there for the economic opportunities that would exist. In no time at all, Iraq would be the model democracy that we have envisioned. In no time at all Iraq would be back to its pre-war oil production. Sure, we might be giving up the oil in Alaska, but it’s a fair trade.

And if the Iraqis like Alaska, they can keep it. We could just make Alaska’s star on the flag become Iraq. Heck, I’m not even sure which star on the flag is Alaska’s. Alaska was the last state admitted to the Union. There was a reason for that. Nobody really wanted it then. Nobody really wants it now. Certainly there may be some Alaskans who might think differently, but all Americans should be willing to make sacrifices for their country.

After all, war is about sacrifices. War is also about winning. To be an American means that you are ready and willing to kick some ass. Let’s put this war on a winning track and free our service men and women from this quagmire. After all, there are better things that they can be doing, like Syria, or North Korea, or Iran, or...

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Ahh, Sisyphus

At least Sisyphus
gets more exercise than I do,
pushing the obnoxious rock up the hill,
and he gets regularly scheduled breaks,
what on the trip back down.
There are no surprises,
no demands that he work overtime.
He never has to fill in for a sick co-worker;
no one expects him to push two stones
until McMurty gets back from out of town.
He never has to fake enthusiasm for his boss,
smile at the office party,
or buy presents for the secretaries at Christmas.
And I bet nobody expects him to donate a share of his salary
every year to some pathetic charity,
just so the office can have 100% participation,
and prove that he’s a part of the team.
Quality Management.
World Class Customer Service.
A regular stand-up kinda guy.
He never has to worry that it will get worse.
And he never has to wonder if what he does
will really, truly ever make any difference anywhere in anything.
Of course, he is in hell.
So I guess there is a downside.

No Where to Run, No Where to Hide

The entire universe is expanding. It's rapidly moving away--from what?

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Share a Smile

You can share a smile with all of your friends! This is a smile chain letter. Feel free to copy it and mail it to 10 of your friends, or just 10 people you'd like to share a smile with. It really works! If you send this to 10 people, and they each in turn send it to 10 different people, and this happens 8 more times, you will receive a smile!

Don't break the chain! Now that you're part of it, if you break the chain, not only will you not get a smile, but neither will any one else.

In addition, if this chain is broken, everybody you know will be murdered and raped--in that order--by psychopathic, homocidal, pyromanics, and their tormented souls will burn in hell for all eternity while they swim in their own bile and excrement. And you will know that you are the cause of all their misery until you yourself are murdered and raped and cast into the bottomless inferno to join them.

Don't break the chain! And remember, share a smile! :)

Koppel -- The Final Frontier

Holy Grail Press has learned from an inside source that only identifies him or herself as "That Sleazy Bastard," that Ted Koppel has converted to Catholicism. According to Catholic dogma, the only requirements to become a pope are that you are Catholic and a male. Ted is now believed to be both.

With the patience of a monk, Ted only has to wait. Truly, Benedictine can't last too long. I mean, the guy looks like he's posing for his funeral picture now. And besides, accidents happen. There are lots of stairs in the Vatican.

With Benedict out of the way, Ted is only a puff of smoke away from pontification, or whatever. Then Ted is only a heartbeat away from God. Ya gotta hand it to Koppel; he doesn't aim low.

If I Could Choose

I’d be a bird
a bird that has never existed before
a little bird
a red and yellow bird with black speckles
greenish legs
and a softly curving beak
maybe even a crest

A bird that could be easily overlooked

I would choose a beautiful song
lilting, trilling
that I would sing
from where I was hidden
in the darkness of the summer leaves

Just so you would look

And then I would flit into sight
a bird you’ve never seen before
a bird you’ll never see again
a bird no one will ever believe you’ve seen
A bird you will forever be looking to see
just one more time

Monday, November 28, 2005

Seeing Red

Fridays have been declared “wear red days” to show our support for our troops. Not just this Friday, but every Friday, presumably until they all come home. (But then, will all of our troops ever come home? Has there ever been a time in our history where some of our troops weren’t somewhere in the world where they weren’t wanted?) Who started this wear red day anyway? Still, the fact remains, we’re supposed to wear red -- on Fridays-- to show our patriotism. Apparently putting a magnet on my car wasn’t enough.

Here’s my problem. Just exactly what does it mean to wear red? I’m not opposed to supporting our troops, if it means getting our men and women out of that hell hole of Iraq, but I have problems with supporting our troops if it means supporting the war, if it means killing more innocent Iraqis so we can spread democracy and steal their oil. I have a problem with wearing red if ostensibly it means I agree with Bush and his Cronies.

And let’s face it. I have a problem with wearing red simply because someone tells me that I should. If I forget to wear red will I be branded as unpatriotic by my co-workers? If I don’t mean to wear red but once again forget, will my patriotic co-workers think that I agree with them? Can I wear red on days other than Fridays? What the hell! I’m screwed no matter what I do.

So here’s my solution. Hopefully our troops are fighting to insure our continued freedom. And that freedom includes the right to support them or not. It also includes the right to choose whatever I damned well please to choose without being questioned about my motives, including what color to wear on Fridays. Therefore, in support of our troops, I propose that we wear nothing on Fridays. Call it the ultimate casual day. And truly, there will be no mistaking who is supporting our troops. It’s easy to say you’re patriotic by flying a flag, but this will show you who the true patriots are.

The Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch Newsletter #4

Global Warming

My Fellow Americans:

Many citizens in our fine country, and indeed, throughout the world, are becoming increasingly more alarmed and fearful of global warming. There are many of those who try to deny that it is occurring. Some say we need yet more studies. Others try to play it down by saying it’s not as serious as some would want us to believe, or by calling it “climate change.”

After examining the exhaustive data and conferring with numerous experts, I have become convinced that our planet is, indeed, becoming increasingly, and perhaps even irreversibly, warmer. However, unlike many of these naysayers, I believe that global warming is a positive thing. Consider the following.

Global warming is good for the economy. If the ice caps melt, it will be easier for ships to get to the Alaskan oil reserve. That, and with no snow in Alaska, it would look like the barren, god-forsaken landscape that it really is, so who would care if we drilled there?
Global warming cuts down on heating costs. This (along with the Arctic oil reserve) means less dependence on foreign oil, which reduces the threat of terrorism. How can anybody be in favor of terrorism?

In addition, if the ice caps melted, it would stimulate the real estate market. Inland flooding would mean more sea shore, and everybody loves going to the beach. Also, it would be closer for people living in the Midwest to get to the ocean. And shorter winters mean longer summers. And who doesn’t like summer, especially with the coast so near?

There are some, though, that fear global warming might cause mass extinctions. Even if that is true, extinction is not a bad thing.

Think of how the world would be if velocoraptors and saber-toothed tigers were still running amok. People would be afraid to go outside, and rightly so. Small children and helpless old people would be senselessly slaughtered. Dinosaurs are gone and the world is a better place because of it. Besides, even if we wanted to, we couldn’t kill off all the life on the planet. Fire ants and cockroaches could survive even the most horrific nuclear holocaust. Life will go on.

I realize that some people may not come out as well as others should the polar ice caps melt. Some might lose their homes. Some might even lose their lives. We should, though, always be looking at the bigger picture. We should always ask ourselves, “What is good for the majority of us at this very moment right now?”

Remember, there is no guarantee for the future. All we will ever have is the eternal now. And when you’re gone, what would those you left behind rather have, money, or a whole lot of ice?

Thank you,
The Honorable Leonard K. Bullfinch


She offered to share her chocolates with me
as we sat in the frayed webbing of her rusted lawn chairs
on one of the last warm evenings
of what had been an unseasonably cool summer.
I didn’t know which piece to take
because I was afraid of getting one I wouldn’t like,
but having to eat it anyway,
just to be nice.
Not that it mattered,
because all the good pieces were already gone.
She had broken them open
and left the nasty ones
with their gooey pink insides
lying scattered about the box.
So I politely declined.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Pitt and Jolie Sighted In Springfield

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were reportedly sighted in Springfield over the holiday weekend. Such sightings are not rare, especially since unidentified sources report that Brad Pitt was raised here, and it is furthered rumoured that his parents might still be living somewhere in this Southwest Missouri town.

This weekend's citing was phoned in by Buster Pilfong. Says Mr. Pilfong, "I was just fixin' to launch my boat when I seen these unusual tracks in the mud by the water. Then I seen the water start to boil and churn, and there was this big neck that comes outta the water. Next thing I knowed, these two really hairy creatures with long arms goes a runnin' from outta the bushes, and they gets on a honest to god flyin' saucer. I don't know what happened next, I must a blacked out or somethin'. But when I awoke, they was gone, my underwear was down around my ankles, and my hemorhoids were cured. And that's the honest god's truth."

Other sources were unable to verify Pilfong's story, except that his wife did comment, "Yup, them suckers is completely vanished. It's a miracle."

McNurtle the Very Slow Snail

McNurtle was a snail. She lived with her parents in the more fashionable part of the garden, beneath the hydrangea bush that was next to the path that led to the goldfish pond. She had everything she needed to be a happy snail: tender leaves to eat, sidewalks to slime, and wonderful parents who loved her dearly. Yet, McNurtle wasn’t happy. McNurtle wasn't happy because she was a very slow snail. Now, degrees of slowness are not something that most snails ever notice, but McNurtle did. And it made her sad.

“I’m so slow,” she cried to her mother, “that if I wanted to go to the goldfish pond, I wouldn’t get there until I was a teenager.” Her father didn’t see a problem with that, but her mother was more understanding. “Just accept yourself as you are, dear,” she said.

McNurtle wanted to run to her room and cry, but since she couldn’t run, she just stayed right there and cried.

One day McNurtle finally decided to do something. She became determined that she was going to be the fastest snail in the whole world. So McNurtle climbed inside a box filled with Roman candles that the people had set out for the 4th of July, even though it was against city regulations to set off fireworks inside the city limits, and she hid inside the biggest rocket of them all.

That night, the people lit rocket after rocket, saving the biggest until last. Finally it was McNurtle's turn. And, of course, McNurtle was blown to bits. That may not make much of a story, but for just a few seconds before she blew up, McNurtle was really going fast. She was going faster than any other snail in the entire world had ever gone. Which is just what she want. And it was enough.

Killer Meteor On Collison Course With Earth

Emminent Scientist Predicts Meteor Could Hit Earth by 2007

Milan. The emminent astrophysicist, Dr. Ivan Tupidsay, announced on Saturday that the earth is on a collision course with a meteor. He went on to say that the meteor could hit the earth as early as mid-2007. Says Tupidsay, "My god! They're everywhere! There's even an entire ring of asteroids floating around out there!"

According to Tupidsay, if one of these asteroids should break loose from the firmament, there's only one course it could take. "When it starts to fall," said Tupidsay, "it will fall toward the center of the universe, and that puts it on a direst collison course with the earth."

Dr. Tupidsay says such a collison could have devasting effects on the planet, citing one such collison that supposedly occurred 65 million years ago that purportedly caused the mass extinction of the dinosaurs. Says Tupidsay, "If that were to happen today, it could easily wipe out all of the Creationists and Intelligent Designers, not to mention a lot of good people on their way to work, depending on where it might impact."

Tupidsay recommends that the world governments waste no time in building a giant orbiting trampoline that could be moved in place as necessary. "We'd simply bounce that baby back to where it came from," says Tupidsay. When asked what course ordinary citizens might take to avoid such a castrophe, Ivan replied, "Be out of town."