Saturday, November 12, 2005

My Song to America

This is my song to America,
the country my daddy fought for,
the land that I’d die for,
the home of the free and the brave.

America was made for Americans,
for people just like me.
We fought for it once and we’ll fight again,
for the right to be free.
Free from the atheists and communists
that want to defile our land.
This is my America;
this is where I’ll make my stand.

My mother taught me how to get on my knees
and pray to the One True God.
Now some educated fool
wants to take Him from the schools,
all in the name of what?

My God ain’t named Allah,
or Vishnu or Krishna or Tao.
And whenever I get hungry,
I’m gonna eat a goddamned cow.

America was made for Americans,
for people just like me.
We fought for it once and we’ll fight again,
for the right to be free.
Free from the faggots and the maggots
that want to defile our land.
This is my America;
this is where I’ll make my stand.

If you don’t hablan American,
you can just take your wet back back.
If you really wanna be in the land of the free,
then you can talk like the rest of us.

We gave the slaves their freedom
but not without a fight.
Now if they wanna stay in America
why can’t they all act white?

America was made for Americans,
for people just like me.
We fought for it once and we’ll fight again,
for the right to be free.
Free from the pussies and the liberals
that want to defile our land.
This is my America;
this is where I’ll make my stand.

My ancestors came to America
to be free from the tyrant’s hand.
And we didn’t kill off all the Indians
just to give ‘em back their land.

Take me back to the America
that I knew when I was a lad,
where the dames and the coons
and the queers and Jews
were thankful for all they had.

Yeah, this is my America,
it was made for people like me.
We fought for it once and we’ll fight again,
for the right to be free.
Free from the hippy freaks and foreign geeks
that want to defile our land.
This is my America;
I think it’s time we made a stand.

(Yeah, I know I'm going to hell for this one. But at least there'll be plenty of folks there who can sing along.)

Friday, November 11, 2005

A Noble Profession

It is a noble profession, mine.
Inspiring young minds to goosestep to conformity,
to finally accept that life is inherently unfair,
and in so doing admit that any effort to rectify this inequality
is pointless, futile, impossible,
and therefore never try.
This is what we call the Status Quo.

It is a noble profession, mine;
training these young minds to enjoy the taste of dog
in a dog eat dog world,
and the constant drilling that it is they and only they
who are ultimately responsible for themselves,
and in so doing insure the inverse:
that they are responsible for nobody else.

It is a noble profession, mine.
Entrusted with the keys to the gate.
Insuring that none shall pass
unless they can calculate, conjugate, and elocute
that which we have predetermined to be proof
of an enlightened mind.
Aristotle and the Bible.
John Locke and Mein Kampf.
Plato and Pliny,
Khrushchev and Kennedy.
Fission and fusion.
No gray of confusion.
And all that is good and clean and white.

God bless us all.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Thought of the Day

Friday, November 18

Our greatest social responsibility is to be educated.

Old Stuff:

"It is neither necessary, nor possible, to teach anyone who does not ask questions." Catch-22

What are you supposed to do in a severe thunderstorm warning that you're not alreay doing? Do you wait to get off the roof with the antennea when they issue the warning?

"It is not a sin to be ignorant, only to take pride in that ignorance." Earl Eldridge

"The enemy is anybody who will get you killed." Catch-22

If writing is supposed to be therepudic, howcome there are so many fucked up writers? Wow...just imagine Poe if he hadn't written...

I realized I was mature when I stopped using the word "I."

Whatever life you're in, make the most of it. (Lord Krishna)

The Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch Newsletter #2


In 1968, when Leonard K. Bullfinch first ran for the Senate, he quickly concluded that democracy was “way too important to be left solely in the hands of the voters.” Realizing the injustice of just representing one small section of the population, Mr. Bullfinch withdrew from the general election and declared himself “a senator at large.” Since then, Senator Bullfinch has dedicated his life to representing what he describes as “the true majority of the United States.” Unencumbered by the pressures of reelection, the selfish needs of constituents, or the greed of lobbyists, Senator Bullfinch has been indefatigable in his cause, that of promulgating truth throughout the land. Indeed, it has been stated that Senator Bullfinch is truly the only non-partisan politican in America, because he represents nobody.

My Fellow Americans:

Lately many people have been voicing their concerns on our use of torture in Iraq. Let us never forget that the United States is at war. It’s a war we didn’t start, but a war we must now fight. It is a war we cannot afford to lose. The cold truth is that innocent people die in war. Innocent people may also get tortured. Yet, there are many who would disagree with this. There are many who see torture as a sign of barbarism. They believe that under no circumstances should we ever resort to torture. These are people who would limit our brave patriots in their ability to fight. They would be willing to endanger our service men and women simply because they are a little squeamish about pain.

Few people object when we kill the enemy. Torture is just pain. Indeed, when we torture the enemy we are actually being more humane than if we killed them. They should be grateful.

Torture is an invaluable tool in the war on terrorism, and we must not forfeit any of the tools necessary to win this war. But then, is it truly torture if it’s done in the name of liberty? Freedom? Righteousness? In the name of America? We wouldn’t dream of sending our brave service men and women out in the field without adequate armour. Why should we limit ourselves on our ability to obtain the necessary information to save lives? Maybe even to save your family’s lives.

In fact, torture is such an invaluable tool it shouldn’t be limited to the battlefield. Who can doubt that there are terrorists hiding right here in America? We must never waiver in our vigilance to find these evil-doers. If the police were to approach a terrorist on the street and ask that person if she or he were a terrorist, do you seriously think that person would admit it? Not likely. But how can we truly be safe unless we’re sure? Unless we know? A quick bamboo sliver under the fingernail or a well-placed dental tool in the pulp of a molar would leave no doubt. And in the war on terrorism, there can be no doubt.

We rely on the government, if for nothing else, to keep us safe. We rely on them to protect us from our enemies from without and within. Therefore, our government needs to be given the unlimited power to torture anyone, anywhere, at any time, for any reason.

After all, if you’ve got nothing to hide, why should you worry? Even if you are wrongly tortured, it is all for a good cause. A true patriot should be willing to suffer for her or his country. Think of our brave men and women who are laying down their lives at this very moment to keep us safe, to keep us free. If they’re willing to die, should we not be willing to endure a little discomfort? Besides, we can trust the government not to abuse its powers. When have our lawmakers ever let us down before?

We must never forget that we are at war. We must never waiver in our cause. Our very way of life is at stake. And after all, we are in the right. God Bless the United States!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Charley the Choo Choo

Charley was a big, red choo choo.
Everyday he’d go from Hiville to Loville
and then back again.
Charley would take grains and cereals from Hiville,
and he’d get all sorts of good things to eat from Loville.
Charley was so busy going to and from Hiville and Loville
that he never even slowed down at all the little towns he passed through,
or even tooted twice to all the little girls and boys
who would come out and wave every time he passed by.

Charley chugged on, day after day,
and probably would’ve chugged on forever
had it not been for what happened one sunny day
while Charley was at the roundabout in Loville
getting ready to make the trip back to Hiville.
While they were loading Charley with all those wonderful things to eat
a little bird flew down and sat on the wire
that ran right beside the tracks.
And the little bird asked,
“Doesn’t that just bore you to tears?”
And Charley replied, “I don’t understand.”
“I mean,” said the little bird, “you just do the same thing, day in and day out,
going back and forth and back and forth.
You never get to see a distant grove of trees
or find out where the river begins.
You never get to see the sun rise over a far away mountain
or feel a tropical breeze on your face.
You never even get to haul anything different.
That would bore me to insanity.”

And then the little bird flew away before Charley could ask it anything more.
But still, Charley thought about what the little bird had said,
which was something Charley had never thought about before.
And the more he thought, the more he realized
that maybe that little bird was right.
And Charley came to realized just how unhappy he really was.
And he got to thinking that maybe he’d never been happy all along.
So Charley the big red choo choo
made up his mind right then and there
that he was going to see the rest of the world.

The first place Charley went was into the town of Loville.
He went right down the middle of the street
looking into all of the shops and theaters and dance halls,
and at all the strange people who hung out on the street corners
wearing big hats and flashing gold-capped teeth.
But before Charley got very far at all,
a policeman stopped him and said,
“You can’t drive down our streets.
Streets are made for bicycles and cars, not locomotives.
Your sharp steel wheels will leave ruts in our roads
and make it too lumpy for people to drive on.”
So Charley had to leave.

The next place Charley came to was the country,
where he went past a farm.
There he saw horses and cows playing in a field,
and chickens and ducks playing in the barnyard,
and dogs and sheep playing in the meadow.
And Charley wanted to play, too,
only the farmer came out and said,
“You can’t be here.
Farms are made for animals.
Your chugging scares the chicks and ducklings,
and your smoke makes the grass turn brown.”
So Charley had to leave.

The next place Charley went was the forest,
where he saw the deer hiding in the thickets,
and the birds flying through the branches,
and the bears playing in the grassy glades
while honey bees flew busily about
and fish flipped playfully in the little stream that tumbled over the rocks
as it wound its way through the woods.
And Charley thought it would be a wonderful place to stay,
only Charley couldn’t stay there, either,
because a forest ranger came up and said,
“Forests are no place for locomotives.
Your big wheels crush the wild flowers
and your noisy whistle scares the bunnies and woodchucks.”
So Charley had to leave.

In fact, everywhere that Charley went,
whether it was the mountains or the prairie,
the beach or the desert,
it was the same thing --
Charley had to leave.

Finally Charley ended up right where he had begun,
at the roundabout in Loville.
But there he found that they no longer wanted him.
Charley had been replaced by a sleek, new diesel,
which the builder had been careful not to give a personality to,
so that it never got bored.

Since Charley had no place else to go,
he chugged over to the old train yard
where they put all the broken trains,
and there Charley chugged his last chug.

And it was there that the same little bird
came and found the rusted hulk of what had once been Charley.
And since Charley’s old smoke stack was such a perfect place,
she built her nest there.
And that is where she returned year after year to build her nests.
And when she grew old and died,
her children continued to come back and build their nests there, too,
and so did their children after them.
And I suppose they still do.

The Happy Conservative Song

Jesus wants me to drive an SUV,
to fly my flag and keep America free.
To spend more than I can afford
and do it all in the name of the Lord.
Jesus wants me to drive an SUV.

Jesus wants me to join the GOP.
That my friends will keep America free.
Come on! Get on the Conservative Bus
and hate everybody who isn’t us.
Jesus wants me to join the GOP.

Jesus wants me to tell you what to believe.
Jesus wants me to tell you what you need.
There’s no need to think for youself
When you can get it all from someone else.
Jesus wants you to put your trust in me.

Jesus wants me to drive an SUV,
Haul around my friends from the GOP.
Then everybody can get in the line,
Be a part of the universal mind.
That’s how we can keep America free!

Remember, folks, if Jesus didn’t want us to waste gas He never would have put it in the ground to begin with.

I Would Love to be a Republican

It would be so comforting to believe that I need do absolutely nothing but cast my ballot and everything will be just fine. Everything will be taken care of for me.

I would love to believe that we can pay less taxes and have more things. That what is best for corporations and big business will ultimately be best for us.

I would love to believe that we actually can win a war on terror. I would love to believe that the United States has done nothing wrong. That people hate us solely because we are so good. That we can eventually kill enough people and use enough force that everybody in the world that hates us and wishes us harm will either be gone or change their minds. They will unanamously agree that we are right.

I would love to believe that we can give up any, even all, of our rights and be safer, and that no one will ever misuse that power. That I’ll never be wrongly accused of anything and forgotten in a jail cell. That I can trust the government to do the right thing.

I would love to believe that if we allow religion into our government the United States will actually become a more moral country, and no one with a differing point of view will ever be discriminated against. That you can be morally superior.

I would love to believe that nothing we’re doing to the environment is truly bad. There is no hole in the ozone. There is no global warming. Carbon monoxide emisions all harmlessly dissipate. That short term jobs are truly more important than long term ecological losses, such as old growth forests and pristine wild life preserves.

I would love to believe that there is an inexhaustible supply of oil and it’s perfectly OK to keep buying bigger and bigger SUVs. That it’s acutally patriotic to be inefficient. And that the United States would never occupy a country simply for its oil.

I would love to believe that we’re really concerened about the poor, about health care, about the elderly, about the disinfranchised and down-trodden, even if it is not cost effecient. About leaving the world a better place than we found it.

I would love to believe all of this, but I know it’s all simply not true.

Buddy Badger

Buddy Badger lived beneath a log on the south side of the pasture. He had a pleasant home with lots of soft grass to lie on and a collection of wonderful books that he liked to read. The only thing bad in Buddy’s life was Lester. Lester was a rabbit. Lester was obnoxious. Every day Lester came over to Buddy’s house and let himself in, whether Buddy were home or not. While he was there, he would eat all of Buddy’s best food, including the apricot jam that Buddy got from his mother every Christmas. And worst of all, Lester often got jam all over Buddy’s favourite books. No matter what Buddy said to Lester, it would make no difference. Once Buddy even changed the lock on his front door, but Lester broke out the little window and let himself in all the same. And one time Lester even had a party at Buddy’s, and he and all his friends got really drunk and totally trashed out Buddy’s house.
Buddy didn’t know what to do. It’s not like you can really call the animal cops. So Buddy asked Steve; Steve was a squirrel. Contrary to popular belief, owls are really dumb as dirt. They just seem smart because the squirrels tell them everything. Buddy cut out the middleman.
“What can I do?” asked Buddy. “Rabbit is trashing out my whole house. He’s ruined my life.”
Squirrel thought about it for a while and he finally answered, “If I were you, I’d kill him.”
“Oh, I couldn’t do that,” Buddy replied.
“You don’t have to,” said Squirrel. “You can hire Billy. He’ll kill him.”
Billy was a bluebird. If people only knew how mean bluebirds really were, they’d stop putting out houses for them.
Buddy still couldn’t bare to have Rabbit killed. “I’m just not that kind of Badger,” he tried to explain to Squirrel.
So Squirrel thought about Buddy’s problem some more, and he came up with another idea. It was an idea that Buddy liked a whole lot more. Squirrel suggested that Buddy simply beat the living snot out of Rabbit. “After all,” Squirrel explained, “you are a lot bigger than Rabbit. You’ve got the reach. And he won’t be expecting a thing.”
And that’s just what Buddy did. The next time Rabbit came over to his house Buddy pounded him into the dirt. In fact, Buddy was so successful that Rabbit never brought himself or his broken ears back to Buddy’s house ever again.
The only problem was, Buddy had never done anything violent before in his entire life. Like most badgers, Buddy was a very peaceful sort of guy. Pounding Rabbit, though, opened up a whole new world for Buddy. He soon discovered that he didn’t have to collect any berries. All he had to do was wait for Bear to return from the Sparkling Stream and then take away all of his berries. Bears are pushovers that way. He didn’t have to wait in line to cross the log over the brook. He just shoved everyone out of his way. He didn’t even have to clean his house or cook. He scared the mice so bad that they were afraid not to.
In short, Buddy became obnoxious. It got so bad that all the animals in the forest got together and went to Squirrel. Of course, Squirrel had a simple solution. Unfortunately for Buddy, they had no problems with bluebirds.

The Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch Newsletter #1

National Religion

My Fellow Americans,

American morality seemingly has become a thing of the past. Our TV air waves have become a breeding ground for pornography. Our children openly curse, imitating their “role models” from the media. Young girls are wearing less and less. People everywhere are openly defying what used to be considered right and good. Even though the public polls say that the people are generally opposed to these affronts to normal decency--these things that we used to call sinful and wrong in more simpler times--they still continue. Every attempt that someone makes at curbing this onslaught of indecency is stopped dead in the courts by activist judges that have lost focus of what true justice ought to be.

Children are no longer allowed to pray in schools. Nativity scenes can’t be displayed on public property. Judges and teachers are forbidden from displaying the Ten Commandments in their offices and classrooms. And all the while, we are told we must tolerate such abominations as homosexuality. We are told that marriage is an option. Abortion is a valid choice. Evolution is the truth. And even such things as drugs and liquor are a valid life style choice.

The whole world has gone insane and there seems to be nothing we can do about it, all because we’re afraid of offending somebody else’s religious sensitivities. For instance, we are forbidden from leading school children in a simple prayer because we may force them to pray to a god that they find offensive. Heaven forbid that we should offend an atheist!

The problem is complex, but the solution is simple. I propose that the United States adopt a National Religion. No longer would we have to worry about anyone’s sensibilities being offended. No longer would we have to worry about radical parents suing school districts over the Pledge of Allegiance, judges not being allowed to post the Ten Commandments, or people being upset because “In God We Trust” is on our currency.

Whatever laws, whatever rules the chosen religion has will become the laws and rules for everybody. Think of the simplicity! If the National Religion opposes homosexuality, then the queers are out of here! If that religion says adulterers need to be stoned, the only question is where and when. If the religion says “Thou Shalt Not Kill,” then that’s what it is. Nobody gets killed for any reason. Period. Imagine how much money we’ll save on legal expenses alone!

Having a National Religion doesn’t mean that we wouldn’t allow other religious beliefs. This is still America. We still have freedom of religion. It’s just that there would now be no doubt that those other religions are wrong.

And obviously, since the National Religion would be the right religion, then only those who openly profess and can prove that faith would be allowed to participate in the government, including the electoral process. They would be the only ones allowed to vote, assuming that voting were even still necessary.

I propose that we put it to a public vote, that we create an Amendment to the Constitution. Whichever religion gets the most votes becomes the National Religion, unless, of course, it’s something really crazy, like Catholicism or Judaism. We don’t want our children having to cross themselves and pray to idols, or not be forced to believe in Jesus. And God forbid that it should be Islam!

Rationally thinking individuals can surely see that this is the only way out of the current quandary our government has gotten itself into. A Constitutionally mandated Nation Religion would solve everything. Abortions, birth control, capital punishment, divorce, equality, euthanasia, gun control, obscenity, prayer in school, privacy, same sex marriages, school curricula, sex education...the list goes on. There is nothing that a National Religion would not cover.

All that was once good and right in America can be good and right again. We can bring back those days, when everybody knew what right was, and everybody who did wrong was burned as the heathen witches that they were.

Thank You,

Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch