Koppel -- The Final Frontier

Holy Grail Press has learned from an inside source that only identifies him or herself as "That Sleazy Bastard," that Ted Koppel has converted to Catholicism. According to Catholic dogma, the only requirements to become a pope are that you are Catholic and a male. Ted is now believed to be both.

With the patience of a monk, Ted only has to wait. Truly, Benedictine can't last too long. I mean, the guy looks like he's posing for his funeral picture now. And besides, accidents happen. There are lots of stairs in the Vatican.

With Benedict out of the way, Ted is only a puff of smoke away from pontification, or whatever. Then Ted is only a heartbeat away from God. Ya gotta hand it to Koppel; he doesn't aim low.