Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Personality Test

I’ve been trying to come up with a simple test that will reveal a person’s personality. You know, by simply knowing the answer to any given question, or questions, you automatically could make assumptions about that person that are right. After all, who really wants to take the time to get to know everybody that they meet? For instance, if an incomplete stranger shows up at your door with a bloody hammer in his or her hand, you automatically know that it’s a person you don’t want to know.

These are the types of questions that will tell you beyond a doubt those things about the person that are never going to change. Those parts of their personality that are at their core. Like if they’ve ever had sex with anybody under the age of 9, then they’re never going to be somebody that you want to have over for crab dip. You get the idea.

Of course, the answers to the following don’t necessarily make somebody good or bad; you just know what kind of person they are (unless it’s the sex one, and then it makes them bad. Even if they argue that it doesn’t necessarily make them bad, that in itself makes them bad).

1. If they think Charley Manson wasn’t really that bad.

2. They fly a Confederate flag on a pole in the front yard.

3. They would like to fly a Confederate flag on a pole in the front yard.

4. They swerve and try to hit animals on the road.

5. They’ve ever scratched a swastika into their flesh.

6. They have a bumper sticker on their car that says, “It’s in the Bible. I believe it. And that settles it.”

7. They would like to have a bumper sticker on their car that says, “It’s in the Bible. I believe it. And that settles it.”

8. They still think George W. Bush is a good president.

9. They think Hillary Clinton will make a good president.

10. The death penalty is only bad because we don’t use it more.

11. They’ve ever said, “What’s the point of reading anything? If it’s any good they’ll make it into a movie any way.”

12. They think the Beatles were stupid.

13. They think Brittany Spears, Paris Hilton, and Nicole Richey are all good entertainers... and they’re over the age of 14.

14. They’ve ever ordered anything on-line that has the KKK emblem on it.

15. They know where the direct dealer is for KKK merchandise, so they don’t have to order it on-line.

16. They litter.

17. They believe homosexuality should be against the law.

18. They seriously believe that nuclear weapons are a solution to all foreign policy problems.

19. They ever have to look around to see who might be listening before they tell a joke, and it’s not just because the joke is off-colour.

20. They not only don’t know where Europe is, but they don’t see why they need to.

21. They wear a tube top in the winter, regardless of their sex.

I’m sure I could come up with more, but this is a good start. Care to add some? Once again, however these are answered doesn’t necessarily tell whether someone is good or bad, they just allow you to know something inexplicable about their personality. And maybe something about your own...

Monday, March 26, 2007

Place Names

This is part whatever of my series on the Ozarks. This is intended for my non-Ozarkian readers out there who don't know what life in southwest Missouir is truly like, especially what it's like to live in the Queen City of the Ozarks -- Springfield. I mean, really, in a a city were fundamentalist Christainity is paramount, why would they want to nickname themselves the Queen City?

Of course, it could be worse. We could be living in Sleeper. Or Pecular. Or Licking. Or Climax Springs. That's an oxymoron at best.

And then there's Kum and Go. Wow. Do you go there before or after you eat out at Touch? And then there's STD. I'm not really sure what STD stands for, but it's a flea market. Okay. I don't care what it stands for. That's awful! I suppose, though, it's better than the FAG Bearing company in Joplin. Wow. Double Wow.

Has anybody out there found any place names better than these?

Shallow Thoughts

If a bear were to become bi-polar, would it be a bi-polar bear?

Has anyone ever perfored the play "My American Cousin" again?

If we can't see vampires in mirrors, how come we can't see their clothes?