Friday, April 21, 2006

Happy 4-20!

What if... What if marijuana were legalized? Would 4-20 (you know, yesterday, April 20th) become commercialism....

"Dude...what are ya giving your mom for 4-20?"
"I don't know, man. I gave her a bong last year."
"I think I'll just give my old lady a card this year..."

"Oh God! Dad's gonna want to watch Half Baked on 4-20 Eve again this year! And if I see one more Cheech and Chong movie, I'm going to scream!"

"There's only 19 more shopping days until 4-20..."

"...Seven rollers rolling, six smokers toking, I forgot five...four fat buds, three grams of hashish, two Thai sticks, and a pinch of Lebanese blonde."

And in 100 years, maybe 2, school children will be writing reports on the origin of 4-20...why we celebrate.

"It must have originated as a pagan ritual celebrating the return of Spring."

"And God caused to grow upon the earth, the mighty cannabis, so that he might show his pleasure upon man, and woman, too. Because one ain't much good without the other."

And what if Easter ever fell on 4-20? I suppose it's possible...

"Kids, there's a special treat this year in some of the eggs. And don't miss out on Gramma's brownies...they're wonderful!"

"Dude, man, I ain't gettin' high this year. It's just become too commercialized. I mean, wow, back when I was a kid we used to skip school and get stoned. Now there is no school and even the cops are high. What's the fun in that? I think I'm going to go straight and become an investment banker."

"Remember, stores will be opening early on the 21st for their annual After 4-20 Sales Events. All decorations and cards will be 1/2 price. It's a great time to stock up on papers..."

Happy 4-20!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The End is Near

The following is an incomplete list of those things that undoubtedly prove that there is no hope for American culture, and maybe even the entire human race. Feel free to add to it. (A special thanks to Jenna.)

In no particular order:

1. The Koran for Dummies. No kidding. You can get a copy of your own at Barnes and Noble.

2. Tanning salons. People are willing to pay to go inside to do something that God will do for free outside. Yes, it may be quicker, but that says something in itself.

3. Cell phones. Why would you want to be constantly in touch with everybody, everywhere, at all times? Live in the now.

4. Buddha Salt and Pepper Shakers. Let's talk bad Karma.

5. It is estimated that Saddam Hussein killed 150,000 people. 150,000 won't even get him into the top 10.

6. 85% of all teenage girls list their hobby as shopping.

7. Tattoo makeup. Makeup by itself should be a sign.

8. Reality TV. Now there's an oxymoron.

9. Bottled water.

10. Dr. Phil. If you have to have someone tell you that dating your wife's sister and her mother while secretly wishing you were with her brother is messed up...dude, give it up.

11. Prom. How much money is poured into this one night of drinking and sex just boggles the mind. What is even more boggling is how preoccupied high school students (especially the girls) are with this one night. When your dress needs to match the interior of the limo, there's probably no hope whatsoever.

12. Blue Collar Comedy.

13. The whole "gay" thing. Why anybody should care who somebody's having sex with (unless it's your mother, brother, and sister) is beyond me. How inanimate objects can be gay is totally a mystery.

14. People still driving around with a "W" on their SUV.

15. Pet psychologists. How could you ever tell that you're cat's not nuts?

Here's a Thought...

Why aren't there evangelical atheists? I mean, if they're really so convinced that they've found the path that leads to ultimate happiness, why aren't they going door to door trying to share? Selfish bastards.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Have You Found Jesus?

Wow. I just had a what if. What if Jesus was put in a cave when he died that looked just like all the other caves in the neighborhood, you know, like a pink trailer in a trailer park. And what if they came back the next day and forgot which one was his. So they found one where the stone was rolled aside and said, "Woah! Dude!" Or the ancient equivilent. Only they never really found Christ, but that's a different story.

And here's Jesus. He's still in his tomb. He's pounding on this solid rock wall that's like 8 feet thick, saying, "A little help, please?" Or whatever. Because, after all, he's still one of us and he can't use all of his gnarlly super powers. And here's the kicker. What if he's still there? You know, settled into a rountine. Throws rocks against the wall from 1:00 to 2:00. Knocks for help from 2:00 ato 3:00, and again from 5:00 to 6:00 and 7:00 to 11:00 (a.m. and p.m being perfectly pointless in total darkness). And he spends the rest of the time in thoughtful prayer, mostly to the tune of "What the hell?"

Now there would be an archeological find.

But do you suppose, if that were true, that Jesus would give a damn anymore?

Kum & Go

You know, as much as I enjoy coming up with catchy titles, who can improve on that name?

So, it's Sunday and I bopped into Kum & Go to get some gas on my way out of town. I decided I needed a candy bar for the road (Almond Joy, perfect for sharing). As I'm writing my check, the gal behind the counter picks up a newspaper and puts it under my candy bar. Apparently they're free with a fill up. Having already spent my 7 minutes on Sunday perusing everything of importance in the News-Leader, I declined my free paper. So the gal behind the counter pitches it in the trash. Read that last line again so I won't have to re-write it for emphasis.

Yup. She pictched it in the trash. So I asked her, "Why don't you just give it to another customer?" And she says, "We have way too many to begin with." Or something like that.

So I think about the import of that for a moment, and I innocently ask, "Do you recycle?" And she said, "No."

So I leave. At that point it was time. I mean, she'd checked my ID and given me my receipt. Leaping over the counter and putting her into the trash bin along with my paper would've been a bit over the top. Besides, there were actually two women behind the counter and I'm not a big guy. Getting my ass kicked on a Sunday morning over a newspaper would've been a bit much.

But maybe it would've been better than feeling weird guilt for the rest of the day that some how I was responsible for not recycling my newspaper. I do know that Kum & Go has seen the last of this little black duck.

The Lunatic Monologues #3

Magnetic Strips

I figured out how to take the magnetic strips out of the books you buy at Barnes and Noble. You know, the ones they use to tell if you’ve been shoplifting. So I took the strips out, right there in the store, and I ate them. Did you know it takes about 40 before you’ll set off an alarm? But I suppose that depends on body size. Maybe metabolism. At any rate, after I’d eaten all of those magnetic strips, when I walked through the door I’d set the alarm off. Every time. Of course, the first few times, they’d check me out. Well, it was always half-ass at best, but they still would check me out. It got to be a joke. They’d say it must be something in my clothes, and I would say it was probably something I’d eaten. They thought that was funny, and of course, I did too. But for different reasons. And then, once they got to know me, they’d just wave me on through. They never bothered to check...anymore, ever. And that’s when I started stealing books. I’d steal one about once a week, sometimes more. I’ve even been known to take two at a time. I’ve been doing it now for over three years. It doesn’t matter what kind of book you steal. That’s not the point. You see, the thing is, they don’t even watch for shoplifters because they’re so sure their magnetic strips will work. Besides, who shoplifts books? I still have to eat know, the magnetic strips. It’s just to keep the level up. But now I don’t have to do it in the store. I can wait until I get back home.