Friday, February 03, 2006

Come Worship With Us

While driving back from McDonald's this evening (I'm lovin' it!) I went by a local church here in Aurora. Out on the marquee was written: "God helps the poor."

Wow. Just where do you go with that?

The Republican in me wants to say, "Good! That means I don't have to."

The Democrat in me wants to say, "Not without government funding He doesn't!"

The Green Party in me wants to say, "What was the question?"

The Atheist in me wants to say, "Further proof that there is no God!"

The Christian in me wants to say, "When?"

The Buddhist in me wants to say, "The poor will always be here. Help yourself."

The Muslim in me wants to say, "It is everyone's duty to help the poor."

But then, I remember what Ben Franklin once wrote: "God helps those who help themselves." Of course, Ben was an atheist...

I'm Lovin' It II (Just when you thought it was safe to go back into McDonald's)

In an earlier post, HGP reported on the billboards for McDonald's that have been appearing around the Ozarks, and maybe other places too, but since I live here, I don't care about anywhere else. Where was I? Oh yeah. These billboards feature a perky young lady who is holding up a McDonald's gift card while stating, "Finally, a gift I won't return." Well no shit.

According to the manager at the McDonald's in Aurora, the biggest reason why you won't return your McDonald's gift card is because you can't. Once you got 'em, you're stuck with 'em. Ya gotta love McDonald's. Oh, I guess that's why it's their motto.

Of course, this should come as no surprise to those of us who have been noticing McDonald's fun use of the English language for years. After all, they're the restaurant that offers us 100% pure beef. Seems a bit redundant to me, but what do I know? Oh, wait, I do know. I have a degree or three in English.

They're the same place that has medium drinks, but no small. I always ask for a small. In fact, I insist on it.

I also am not a big fan of triple thick shakes. That's just a bit too thick for my tastes. So I always ask them to hold a thickness. ("Make mine only double thick, please...")

Do you suppose there are McDonald's in India?

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Opening Night!

Gracelandia opens tonight here at Aurora. For more information, read below! Am I pumped or am I pumped? No, seriously, someone let me know.

Drive-Thru Salvation

I've always said since I started saying it that irony is God's idea of a practical joke. Being a fan of irony, I've been slowly watching a transformation on Highway 60 on the east end of Republic. Starting early last year a church was demolished. That, in itself, is an interesting thing to see. Even more slowly than it was torn down, it's being replace by a bank. Which leads me to wonder: How will the parishioners know the difference?

How Many Groundhogs Would a Woodchuck Chuck?

It was about several years ago today that I underwent perhaps maybe one of the most possibly profound life changing experiences in a while. Oh yes. I used to be a skeptic. I would scoff at the groundhog. I was even known to make a guffaw or two. I mean, seriously, I found it ludicrous that anybody could put any credence whatsoever in a rodent's predicting the weather (of course, those were the days before Ted Keller).

But then it happened. As I was going to work on that fateful February 2nd, I happened to witness--to actually see--a groundhog seeing his shadow. Split infinitive and all. I know how Moses must have felt when he came off the mountain. Dirty, tired, and not really wanting to go back to work, but I digress. But here's the point: She did see her shadow and there was 6 more weeks of winter! That's better than Ted on his best day.

Over the years I have come to see Groundhog's Day as the perfect holiday. You need do nothing. There are no cards. There are no decorations. There are no songs. No special foods. There are no expectations whatsoever. There aren't even any Groundhog's Day sales. Of course, that doesn't mean you can't celebrate it in your own way. My own way involves a lot of alcohol. So raise a glass to Puxatoney!

By the way, that wiley rodent did see his shadow this morning. So there'll be 6 mores weeks of global warming enhanced winter. Enjoy!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Some Days

When I’m heading to work
and the distance is stretching out in front of me
I secretly hope to see
a nuclear blast
a ball of flame larger than the sun
burst on the horizon
strangely silent
and beautiful

And even though
I’m blinded by the flash
I can still see the wall of wind and fire
coming toward me
waiting to envelop me
like a warm blanket
when I’m shivering from a fever I can’t control

And I know it would be a horrible thing
but still
I can’t help but wish it were so
maybe it’s selfish
or maybe I know that everybody else is just like me
and everybody else would feel relieved
would know that the waiting’s over
and everything’s going to be alright
it’s all going to be OK
because everything’s been taken care of

Wow. If I had a therapist, she could have a field day with a poem like this.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

If My Doggy had a Chainsaw

If my dog had a chainsaw,
my cat wouldn’t be safe in town.
She’d run and hide in the tree tops,
then my dog would buzz her down.

If you dog had him a chainsaw,
my cat would get her a gun.
When she saw that dog a comin’,
there’d be no reason to run.

If my cat had her a handgun,
my dog would get a grenade.
He’d see the cat there a lyin’,
and then blow her out of the shade.

If my dog got him a hand grenade,
my cat would get her a tank;
line that ol’ dog up in the crosshairs,
and then give the trigger a yank.

If my cat got her an army tank,
my dog would get him a jet.
Two hundred pounds of napalm
would fry that cat, you bet.

If my dog got him a jet plane,
my cat would get an atomic bomb.
Light the fuse, there’s nothin’ to lose,
in a flash it’ll all be gone.

So don’t give my doggy a chainsaw,
‘cause then it’ll all begin.
And once my doggy has a chainsaw,
we all know where it’ll end.
Once my doggy has a chainsaw,
there ain’t nobody gonna win.

Loosely based on the traditional Yiddish folk tale, “If Yadik had a Rock”

Monday, January 30, 2006

Quiero ir á Mexico

Quiero ir á mexico
Quiero ir á mexico
dondé las chicas son bonitas
y la cerveza está muy fría

Yo quiero viajarte
á un lugar exótico
donde no es importa
donde yo voy o que yo hago
Te quiero viajarme
todo el camino á mexico

Quiero ir á mexico
Quiero ir á mexico
donde puedo tocar la música
todas los días de mi vida

El mundo es loco
y tambien el pueblo
quiero lo salir detrás
y voy un lugar que es sano
Te quiero viajarme
todo el camino á mexico

Quiero ir á mexico
Quiero ir á mexico
donde puedo estar con las chicas
donde puedo tocar la música
donde puedo beber la cerveza
todas los días de mi vida
Ah, si,
todas los días de mi vida