Saturday, April 15, 2006

God is Everywhere!

Since the crack investigative squad here at HGP uncovered the plot by conservative Christians (among others, such as the Greco-Roman God Cult and the Norse Godians) to infiltrate God (or their particular flavour of the Almighty) into everything (namely, the calendar), we've discovered that the plot runs even deeper. It's insidious!

Here in Missouri, just to the south of where I am sitting right now, lies Christian County. Yes, an entire county named after Christ. Check your atlas. There is no Pagan County in Missouri. There is no Buddhist County. No Allah County. No Godless heathen Atheist County. How can we let that stand? It makes me want to move to Stone County!

And then there's Purgatory, Colorado. The Catholics slipped that one by us, didn't they. This cannot be allowed.

And this just in: There's a Hell! Not necessarily the place of fire and brimstone, but a city in the Cayman Islands. That cannot be allowed. Just because they're a sovereign nation hasn't stopped us before.

How many more are there out there? We would look on a map, but that's just too much work.

And here's one. Did you realize that "Goodbye" is a contraction of the phrase "God be with you"? (No kidding, it really is.) What did you think a "bye" was? And why would anyone care if you had a good one? It would be so much easier educating you people if you were smart to begin with! And we're not even going to touch "Hello."

Daily, our children's teachers tell our children "goodbye." Call a government office. What's the last thing they say, mind you with the tax payers' dollars, when they end a conversation? You got it...Goodbye. This is got to stop. Nobody says, "Allahbye." No one says, "Buddahbye." And don't you wonder now about those people who just say, "Bye." Those must be the atheists.

My proposal: Legislation. We change goodbye to "Later, dude."

Later, dude.

Odds and Ends (Mostly Odds)

If Jesus had been crucified on a motorcycle, would that have been a moto-cross?

Okay, that was really bad.

How about if scientists, in the never ending quest to increase the size of women's breasts (next to making the penis bigger, what else is there?) -- what if they came up with a pill that would, say, allow a woman to go from a B cup to a D cup over night. (here comes the punch line) Would that be a drug bust?

And on a more serious note, the Kansas State Board of Education is at it again. Now they're trying to remove any funding from schools that teach anything other than abstinence. Never mind that there are no studies that prove that abstinence even works... In fact, there are several convincing studies out there that prove, if anything, teaching abstinence only actually increases risky sexual behaviour. What do the good people of Kansas want their children to know? It seems that illiteracy is preferable to knowing about evolution. That total lack of sexual knowledge is preferable to knowing that women have vaginas and men have penises (peni?), and when the moon is right and the two come together it can justify government subsidies of tobacco farmers.

And why do they call it a penis? I'll tell you one thing for certain, a man didn't originally call it that. Penis just sounds small to begin with. It's one of those onomatopoeic words, like tiny and tiny (same word, pronounced differently, go figure). If men would've named the penis, it would've been something like schlong (my favourite) or gigantor or ba-boom!