Friday, June 09, 2006

Oh, Sweet Mysteries of Life...

If a streetlight comes on when it gets dark, and goes off when it gets light, why doesn't it shut itself off the minute it comes on?

Thursday, June 08, 2006

How Bad Are They?

After last night's game, when Kansas City once again pulled defeat from the jaws of victory, it got me thinking: "Yeah, they're bad. Really bad. But how bad are they really?"

At their current pace (.246 winning percent) they will lose 121 games. That will set a new modern record, beating out the 120 lost by the Mets in 1962.

If they lose 121 games -- heck, if they only lose 114 -- then they will have lost 600 games in 6 years. And 2003 was a winning season.

KC's current record is 14 and 43. The best Kansas City could hope for at this point is to play .500 ball. If we lose 5 more games, and then play .500 ball for the rest of the season, we will still lose 100 games.

Wow! That's fantastic. Embrace their badness. Cheer them on. If we can't win, at least we can lose well. Go Royals!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


The Rapture came off without a hitch yesterday, just like I would've predicted had I actually bothered to write about it. But then, I figured, what's the point? Who would be left to read it? Actually, quite a few. So far, the total unconfirmed amount of those who ascended to heaven in the Rapture, at least in the United States, is 3.

As of this writing, a lady known only as That Crazy Old Bitch is reported missing from Milwaukee. Her shopping cart was found unattended in the alleyway where she sometimes slept. Those close to her said she was a devout woman who often quoted the Scriptures to those who walked by.

In Baton Rouge, the boat of Abraham Ferrell was found floating on Lake Ponchatrain. As for now, local authorities are reporting it as a possible drowning, but friends of Abe claim that that isn't so. "Abe...hell, he wouldn't a drown," said Abe's friend, a man who was only identified as "Billy." Abe was said to be a righteous man, who often used the name of the Savior.

And in Northern California, a car was found abandoned on I-80. The 1982 Chevrolet Celebrity reportedly had a bumper sticker that read, "In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned." Authorities there are still trying to find out whose car it was, but here at HGP we are fairly certain that even if they do find out who was driving the car, he or she will never be found.

Of course, the big question now is: Who is the Anti-Christ?