Saturday, November 04, 2006

A History of the Future #2

"Hypernet Crazes"
(April through August, 2017)

From its inception, there had been many crazes on the Internet, then the Al Gore Memorial Super Highway, and finally the Hypernet. For instance, the selling of pieces of wrecked space craft, body parts, and even children. However, the most bizarre craze began on April 17, 2017, when Clarence Tu Tzu Williams, as a joke, offered his soul for sell on the popular site,

Even though souls had been offered for sell on the Internet in the past, most notably, President Gore's, the craze began in earnest when Tzu's soul sold for just under 20,000 adjusted new dollars. Said Tzu, "What's a soul, anyway? It's somebody else's idea of nothing. If someone wants to pay me for nothing, I'll take their cash, but I'd prefer euros." The starting bid had only been 50 a.n.d.

Soon souls were the most offered commodity on the Hypernet. A standardized, notarized title, was even developed for souls. It is estimated that by early August, 2017, between 1.5 and 2.2 million souls were sold and bought on However, in August, a young computational discovered that all of the souls had been purchased by only one individual. That person's name was never revealed, but it is estimated that he or she paid close to 1.3 billion adjusted new dollars, a record that has stood for over 300 years for any individual or corporation. The souls were never offered for resale.

Soon after, the craze ended.

Fun With Language

I got to thinking about the phrase "cheap whore" the other day. Maybe if I lived closer to work I wouldn't have so much time on my hands, but I digress. While thinking about all the cheap whores I've ever known, I realized I've never know any. I have, on the other hand, known some pretty expensive whores. Completely out of my price range. So it got me to can I earn more money? No, that wasn't it. It got me to thinking about the entire phrase. And I realized that I had never heard anyone called an expensive whore before, at least, not as an insult. In fact, it would probably be more of a compliment. As far as that goes, I've never heard anyone called a moderately priced whore, either. Although I'm sure there are some. You know, accepts coupons. Two-fer Tuesdays. That sort of thing. Wow, this is an easy subject to get off on. (Have fun with that last line, you perverted punsters out there.)

So, before I get totally silly here, I've come to the conclusion that the problem isn't that someone is a whore, it's just that she (or he) is a cheap whore. Have some self-pride, for Vishnu's sake. Charge more!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

A History of the Future

Through what I can only describe as truly weird, my computer has been getting emails from the future. It all began when I tried to illegally download the song "Time Warp" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Now, from time to time, I am receiving entries from Dr. Ivan Tupidsay IX's A Concise History of Everything, which was (or will be, depending on your perspective) published in 2420. As I receive these various entries, I will share them with my loyal readers.

Today's entry: The Aryan Nation

The Aryan Nation officially claimed its independence from the United States of America on September 19, 2032, in what was formally a remote section of southwest Missouri.

Lawrence "Larry" Hitler, who claimed to be the great-great-great-grand nephew of the infamous German leader, declared himself to be the Furor of this new "nation."

Hitler declared the Aryan Nation to be "A land free from the dilution of the white race by foreigners and [blacks]. A place where our women, both of them, can be safe. A place where hard-working white folk would not be in danger of losing their jobs to ...[immigrants]." Unfortunately, there were no jobs in that part of the country. Said Larry, "Yeah, that may be so. But I'll be damned if any [person of non-Aryan desent] is going to take away what I don't have!"
Prior to the declaration of the country's independence, urged by the writings of Larry Hitler, members of the Aryan Nation had been concentrating in southwest Missouri, purchasing land and forcing those who did not believe in their desire to have an all white Aryan homeland out of that area, often with violence.

Even though the United States did not officially recognize the Aryan Nation, they did not send in troops to stop them, either. Instead, with the help of peace keeping troops from the United States of South America, they isolated the entire nation and its purported 250,000 "citizens," many of whom moved there during the early days of the nation. Said Fernando Vasquez, head of the USSA, "You're kidding, right? You really want to let these [people who are not very nice] spread their insanity? You know, actually it's kinda nice to have them all in one place. They're easier to watch that way."

Even though it is estimated that over 100,000 refugees fled to Arkansas, where nobody knew the difference, it wasn't the blockade that ultimately brought the Aryan Nation to an end. Says historian Lewis Nurdlebutz, "It was Larry Hitler himself. Increasingly the Nation's credo changed from 'You must be one of us' to 'You must be me.'"

By the spring of 2034, the only people left in the Aryan Nation was Larry Hitler and a few families living in a trailer part just outside of Clever, MO, who never knew they were part of the Aryan Nation to begin with. "Times have always been hard," said Jacob Luden. "I just figured when I didn't get my gov'ment check for two year that the mail was just goin' slower than usual."

By the summer of 2034, Larry Hitler had disappeared. It is widely believed that he was eaten by the black bears that had been reintroduced to that part of country during the late 20th century. The land comprising the former Aryan Nation was subsequently inhabited by the members of the United States of South America's peace keeping force, who didn't have enough gas to get back home anyway. Said Luis Gonzalaz, "I always wanted to live in America."

As stated by the former Vice-Furor of the Aryan Nation, Wendell Auhswitz, "Well, hell, that didn't work."