The Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch Newsletter #5
The War in Iraq
My Fellow Americans,
America has become bogged down in Iraq, and there seems to be no end in sight. The casualties there are bad enough, but what may even be worse, the war is starting to divide our country here at home. We are in danger of falling into another Vietnam, which, as we all know, led to a decline in our entire society -- a decline in morals, religion, and an unprecedented increase in rampant personal freedoms. We cannot let that happen again.
One solution is simply to pull out and leave Iraq to the Iraqis. Those in favor of this argue that all the godless Muslims will still kill each other with their car bombs, but at least they will not be killing us. In fact, less people overall may end up dying. They claim that even if Saddam where allowed to go back to running the country, it would be better than it is now, or even than it will be maybe for generations to come, if ever.
Obviously, we cannot allow that to happen. If we were to leave now, all of our men and women who have valiantly died there will have died in vain. Our standing as a global super power capable of making anybody anywhere do whatever we want would be in peril. Those politicians who originally thought invading Iraq was a good idea would end up looking silly, and probably would not be re-elected, ever -- for anything. And besides, if we leave Iraq now, then we wouldn’t get all that oil.
After studying this problem, I have come up with a rather simple, but bold solution. And it is a solution that has been historically tested. It worked with the Israelites in Babylonia; it worked with the Palestinians in Israel; it worked with the Romans just about everywhere, and it will work with the Iraqis now.
As long as the Iraqis are in Iraq, they will be a problem. My solution, therefore, is to move the entire population of Iraq to Alaska.
Alaska is the obvious choice. First of all, few Americans have ever been there; consequently, few Americans would miss it if it were gone. Besides, it’s not going anywhere; we’re just increasing the population, which could only bring better economic times to Alaska.
Moving the Iraqi population would be simple. We just load them on buses and let them drive themselves there. At first, that would seem a silly idea, but not if you go north. They can drive over the Arctic ice cap. For one thing, it’s actually a shorter distance if you go north. Also, if the bus gets stuck, they’ll be plenty of people who can get out and push it. And the drive there will help the Iraqis get acclimated to the cold.
Once in Alaska, the various flavors of Iraqis will have to put aside their petty differences and work together. They will have a common goal. Which mosque you go to is not quite as important when you’re faced with freezing. And truly, few of them will actually freeze. Besides, cold weather builds character.
Also, in Alaska the infrastructure is already there. There are roads. The electricity and water work most of the time. There are sewers and telephones. A democratic government is already there. We’re not starting from scratch. And even if their air conditioning doesn’t work, who’s going to complain? And just think, if global warming melts all of Alaska, the Iraqis won’t miss the snow. No one will complain. And don’t you get tired of those bleeding-heart environmentalists always complaining?
In a generation, for most Iraqis Alaska would be all that they know. Iraq would just be stories told by old people to scare children into eating their vegetables. They would be so used to living in Alaska, they wouldn’t want to go back. Truly, how many African Americans really want to go back to Africa?
Those people living in Alaska now wouldn’t have to leave. After all, there’s plenty of land up there. Heck, Alaska is bigger than Iraq. But if the Alaskans wanted to, they could go to Iraq. They could even take the buses.
Iraq would become a new frontier. People from all over the world would move there for the economic opportunities that would exist. In no time at all, Iraq would be the model democracy that we have envisioned. In no time at all Iraq would be back to its pre-war oil production. Sure, we might be giving up the oil in Alaska, but it’s a fair trade.
And if the Iraqis like Alaska, they can keep it. We could just make Alaska’s star on the flag become Iraq. Heck, I’m not even sure which star on the flag is Alaska’s. Alaska was the last state admitted to the Union. There was a reason for that. Nobody really wanted it then. Nobody really wants it now. Certainly there may be some Alaskans who might think differently, but all Americans should be willing to make sacrifices for their country.
After all, war is about sacrifices. War is also about winning. To be an American means that you are ready and willing to kick some ass. Let’s put this war on a winning track and free our service men and women from this quagmire. After all, there are better things that they can be doing, like Syria, or North Korea, or Iran, or...
My Fellow Americans,
America has become bogged down in Iraq, and there seems to be no end in sight. The casualties there are bad enough, but what may even be worse, the war is starting to divide our country here at home. We are in danger of falling into another Vietnam, which, as we all know, led to a decline in our entire society -- a decline in morals, religion, and an unprecedented increase in rampant personal freedoms. We cannot let that happen again.
One solution is simply to pull out and leave Iraq to the Iraqis. Those in favor of this argue that all the godless Muslims will still kill each other with their car bombs, but at least they will not be killing us. In fact, less people overall may end up dying. They claim that even if Saddam where allowed to go back to running the country, it would be better than it is now, or even than it will be maybe for generations to come, if ever.
Obviously, we cannot allow that to happen. If we were to leave now, all of our men and women who have valiantly died there will have died in vain. Our standing as a global super power capable of making anybody anywhere do whatever we want would be in peril. Those politicians who originally thought invading Iraq was a good idea would end up looking silly, and probably would not be re-elected, ever -- for anything. And besides, if we leave Iraq now, then we wouldn’t get all that oil.
After studying this problem, I have come up with a rather simple, but bold solution. And it is a solution that has been historically tested. It worked with the Israelites in Babylonia; it worked with the Palestinians in Israel; it worked with the Romans just about everywhere, and it will work with the Iraqis now.
As long as the Iraqis are in Iraq, they will be a problem. My solution, therefore, is to move the entire population of Iraq to Alaska.
Alaska is the obvious choice. First of all, few Americans have ever been there; consequently, few Americans would miss it if it were gone. Besides, it’s not going anywhere; we’re just increasing the population, which could only bring better economic times to Alaska.
Moving the Iraqi population would be simple. We just load them on buses and let them drive themselves there. At first, that would seem a silly idea, but not if you go north. They can drive over the Arctic ice cap. For one thing, it’s actually a shorter distance if you go north. Also, if the bus gets stuck, they’ll be plenty of people who can get out and push it. And the drive there will help the Iraqis get acclimated to the cold.
Once in Alaska, the various flavors of Iraqis will have to put aside their petty differences and work together. They will have a common goal. Which mosque you go to is not quite as important when you’re faced with freezing. And truly, few of them will actually freeze. Besides, cold weather builds character.
Also, in Alaska the infrastructure is already there. There are roads. The electricity and water work most of the time. There are sewers and telephones. A democratic government is already there. We’re not starting from scratch. And even if their air conditioning doesn’t work, who’s going to complain? And just think, if global warming melts all of Alaska, the Iraqis won’t miss the snow. No one will complain. And don’t you get tired of those bleeding-heart environmentalists always complaining?
In a generation, for most Iraqis Alaska would be all that they know. Iraq would just be stories told by old people to scare children into eating their vegetables. They would be so used to living in Alaska, they wouldn’t want to go back. Truly, how many African Americans really want to go back to Africa?
Those people living in Alaska now wouldn’t have to leave. After all, there’s plenty of land up there. Heck, Alaska is bigger than Iraq. But if the Alaskans wanted to, they could go to Iraq. They could even take the buses.
Iraq would become a new frontier. People from all over the world would move there for the economic opportunities that would exist. In no time at all, Iraq would be the model democracy that we have envisioned. In no time at all Iraq would be back to its pre-war oil production. Sure, we might be giving up the oil in Alaska, but it’s a fair trade.
And if the Iraqis like Alaska, they can keep it. We could just make Alaska’s star on the flag become Iraq. Heck, I’m not even sure which star on the flag is Alaska’s. Alaska was the last state admitted to the Union. There was a reason for that. Nobody really wanted it then. Nobody really wants it now. Certainly there may be some Alaskans who might think differently, but all Americans should be willing to make sacrifices for their country.
After all, war is about sacrifices. War is also about winning. To be an American means that you are ready and willing to kick some ass. Let’s put this war on a winning track and free our service men and women from this quagmire. After all, there are better things that they can be doing, like Syria, or North Korea, or Iran, or...
posted by The Holy Grail Press at 9:54 AM
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