Thursday, January 25, 2007

As My Mind Wanders

I was waiting for a red light the other day, as I am often wont to do, when I saw a Community Blood Bank truck run a red light. No kidding. Now wouldn't that be ironic. If you were run over by a Blood Bank truck and bled to death? Seems a bit counter productive, if you'd ask me.

So I was thinking: What if you were a split-personality schiziophrenic and one half was gay and the other half was homo-phobic? I think I'll stop there. There's just no where good that this is going to go, especially if I get to the part in the public restroom.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Prejudice...A Good Thing

As a child of the 'sixties, I grew up with changing attitudes toward prejudice. I remember my parents not allowing me to hang a poster of Bill Cosby in my bedroom, simply because he was Black (he was, wasn't he?). I always believed that prejudice was wrong, and I have fought many personal battles to right what I felt were the injustices of my work place, family members, and society in general. But after many years I have concluded that prejudice is actually a good thing. Consider the following:

Prejudice creates group cohesiveness. I mean, can white people truly refer to each other as "My brother!" No. It just won't work.

It is good for the economy. After all, affirmitive action would not exist if it weren't for prejudice. Think about how many jobs that prejudice has created, and not just from affirmitive action. Whenever one group is held down for too long, they always react violently. Rebuilding burnt out sections of town is a stimulus for economic growth.

Prejudice lowers crime. After all, there are groups that we should be legitimately afraid of, such as Islamic terrorists, violent, drug-crazed street gangs, and Belgians.

It gives us something to do. Indeed, are not idle minds the devil's workshop, or something like that?

And prejudice gives those with nothing else something to be proud of. Imagine having nothing else good in your life other than being white and having a penis. Prejudice could be the only reason many people just don't chuck it in and hang themselves with their Confederate flags.

What is bad, however, is undirected prejudice. Simply put, we need to be very specific about what we are prejudiced against. We don't want to spread ourselves too thin by trying to be prejudiced about too many things.

Therefore I propose that everybody choose one thing to be prejudiced about. However, that's it. You can only have one, so choose carefully. And since everybody has one specific prejudice, then no one will get upset at someone for being prejudiced, because, after all, everybody is prejudiced. And even if someone is prejudiced toward you, it's still OK. I mean, heck, it's got to be somebody, so why not you?

I, myself, have decided to be prejudiced toward the Swiss. I mean, why the heck not? Think about it. Everybody goes on about Swiss army knives, but what war has the Swiss ever won? Swiss chocolate? Give me a break. I say if it ain't Hershey's (American chocolate at its best) then the hell with it! Swiss clocks? What? Are you too good for a Timex? Unnumbered Swiss Bank Accounts? Didn't they ever learn to count? Their cheese has holes in it, for crying out loud! And the Swiss are so damned smug about always being neutral. I say it's time to stop! The hell with the Swiss!

Of course, I don't expect anyone else to choose the Swiss, but as long as I had to choose... well... OK then!

Monday, January 22, 2007

How Hard Can It Be?

A cleaver title to a really stupid idea, and that being erectile tissue. You know. And if not, look it up. During the recent ice storm, when we were without electricity (wait, we're still have no electricity!), I had the occasion to observe erectile tissue. And I have discovered a conundrum.

Both penises and nipples are made of erectile tissue. Yet, when it gets cold, the nipples... well, get all nipply. And the penis... well, it does the old scared turtle thing. Now ya see it... now ya don't. You get the idea.

OK, why is that? Does anybody out there know?

These are the great mysteries of life that bother me.

Bra Bombs

My recent traveling experiences -- with many lengthly layovers -- gave me time to think. OK, here goes. This one guy tries to sneak a bomb on an airplane in his shoes... never mind that it was a stupid idea and didn't work and no other terrorist would ever dream of trying it, mostly because, even if you are resolved to killing yourself for whatever insane reason, no one wants to light their feet on fire before they do... where was I? Oh yeah, this one guy tries it and now everybody has to take their shoes off before getting on an airplane. Don't you wish, along those same lines, that somebody would've tried sneaking a bomb on a plane in a bra? Yup, a bra bomb. Trust me, the rest of this is going no where good.

So, would there be boob profilers? "I'm sorry, ma'am, but would you please step out of line?"

You could bet one thing, there wouldn't be a problem getting people to work for Homeland Security.

But then, I could see people showing up at the airport... Well, you know how people wear shoes that are easy to get on and off? What if people started just not wearing bras. Before you say that's a good idea, just remember that there are very good reasons for supportive undergarments. I mean, my grandmother flew for heaven's sake.

OK, so bra bombs were really a bad idea.

OK. I'm going to stop now.