No Offense, but...

Why is it, when somebody says, "No offense, but..." you know you're about to be offended? So, if somebody calls your mother a crack whore, and then says, "but no offense intended..." that makes it okay? Well, it does for me, but then, my mother is a crack whore. Well, somebody's mother has to be. (No offense, mom.)

Okay, this is all going somewhere.

So the other day I was in a meeting and a lady gets up to make a presentation on poverty -- poverty of all things! -- and she says, "No offense, but they try to Jew you down." She was, of course, not wanting to offend none of the Jews in the crowd. The first thing that came to mind is why did she use the word "Jew" at all, when what she meant was "haggle," or perhaps "bargain." After all, she knew that she might be offensive.

But then, I took her advice and decided not to be offended.

And that led me to wonder. And anybody that knows me knows where that might lead. And what I wondered was this: Why don't we use other religions as verbs the same way we use Jew as a verb? For instance, what does it mean to Christian somebody (aside from being named)? How about Buddhist? Buddhisted? Buddhisting? Or Muslim? We could even fragment. Have you ever been Hare Krishnaed at an airport? Or Jehovah Witnessed? What about Babtisted? Or Catholicked. On second thought, I'm not sure I want to be Catholicked.

So, for the sake of furthering our understanding of the English language... Ah, hell, who am I kidding? To make it easier to label other people and therefore reduce the amount of thinking we each might be forced to do, I'm going to offer the following additions to our language.

Christianed: The belief that you can always be forgiven without reprisal or responsibility, no matter what you do, by simply saying you're sorry. Examples: He did christian after drunkenly running over all the Kindergartners... what more do you want him to do? He was trying to christian the principal for skipping school.

Baptisted: The ability to be morally superior over someone else because you're dumber than they are. Examples: My dad was so baptist the way he never asked for directions when he was hopelessly lost. Hey, don't baptist me because you didn't pass the test!

Catholicked: To be made to do something morally wrong out of fear that it's sinful not to. Example: That son of a bitched catholicked my little sister!

Buddhisted: To never have to explain what you're talking about because no one will understand it anyway. Example: Mrs. Galicki, our math teacher, buddhisted all hour about fractions.

Islamed: To be afraid to criticise something, even legitimately, for fear of retaliation. Example: Islam is a nice religion.

Jehovah Witnessed: To pretend you're not at home, even when it's obvious that you are, so whomever it is at the door will go away. Example: When we went over to the neighbor's house to complain about the noise from his party, he jehovah witnessed us.

Taoed: To be told something that made absolutely no sense at all, but in such a way that it's actually you that feels dumber in the end. Example: The tax agent taoed me about the new changes in the law.

Hare Krishnaed: The belief that everything bad will go away if you ignore it, and even if it doesn't, you're still ignoring it, so what difference does it make? Example: He hare krishnaed his mother's drinking problem.

Atheisted: Example:

Remember, these will only be incorporated into our language if they are used.


But no offense.

The Lunatic Monologues: #2

Harrison, Arkansas

So, you’re from Harrison, Arkansas, are ya? I was there. About thirty years ago. I ate in this little restaurant up on a hill. Everybody told me to go there. Said it was the best place in town. Everybody said, “Ya got to have the frog legs.” And I like a good frog leg. Oh, yes. I certainly do. So I went to the restaurant and I order me some of their frog legs. And they was the worst frog legs that I ever ate. So I tried to send them back. Hell, I couldn’t eat ‘em. Nobody could eat ‘em. But they wouldn’t give me anymore. And they wouldn’t give me my money back. Said I’d done ate half of ‘em. Hell, I hadn’t ate more than a leg, maybe two. So this big ass cook comes out and tells me to get out. That’s just what he says, “Get out!” Like he knows something. And I says, “Hell, you eat ‘em.” And he takes a swing at me and I swing back, and next thing I know there’s about six guys on me, all kickin’ and punchin’ and spittin’. They spit on me! And they threw me out of that restaurant, said if I didn’t get out of town they’d kick my ass even more. Well, I left. But from that day on I’ve told myself that everybody I meet from Harrison, Arkansas, well, I’m going to kick their ass. And buddy, I guess it’s your turn.

This is number two in the now famous monologue series. Conversations that you didn’t want to be on the other half of.

The Lunatic Monologues: #1

The Secret Society

We're a secret society. We go into stores and try cheap brands until we find a brand of anything -- say beans -- and we find a jar -- a cheap jar -- that's just as good as the expensive brands. You know -- we're looking for the one that snuck through. And then we share that information with other people in the society. But we keep it a secret. You see, if it got out that a cheap brand was just as good as the expensive brand, then everybody would but the cheap brand, so then they would raise the price. And we all share with each other -- those who have found a really good paper towel lets it in on the guy that found the really good pickles. But none of us know more that a name or two. It's the only way to keep it truly secret. You don't realize how important it is to keep it secret. You can't. Oh, it's more than just saving a few cents. It's that we beat the bastards. We beat 'em. Do you have any idea how much bad mustard I've eaten? Do you even realize how bad mustard can get? I didn't think so. But I'm going to find that mustard. It's out there. And nobody is going to stop me or any of the rest of us. And that's why now I've got to kill you.

This is number one in the now famous Lunatic Monologue series. Conversations that you didn't want to be on the other side of.

Inspirational Thoughts

Going to the liquor store sober is like going to the grocery store hungry.

Perhaps the only difference between the lower and middle classes, aside from each having insufferable debt, is that the middle class has more stuff.

This one's for Darcy: I saw a bumper sticker the other day that I really liked. It said: "Support your local police, beat yourself up."

Imagine a sexual harassment seminar run by a bunch of guys. And if you can't, bless you.

If James Bond were to kill you, would it be a bonding experience?

To be perfectly honest... Is it possible to be imperfectly honest?

And finally... Any religion that thinks genocide could be warranted, that vengeance is defensible, that greed can be justified, that they can never be wrong, is not a religion that I would want to spend eternity with.

Thank God We're Free

A couple of weeks ago I was up in Jeff City, and I saw, on one side of the street, anit-war protestors, and on the other, pro-war protestors. You can't have one without the other -- it's a ying/yang kinda thing.

So this one guy on the professional side was holding a sign that read: "Peace is good, freedom is better."

Now, maybe I'm missing something, but I've always defined peace as the freedom from fear. You know, fear of starving, being shot at, being out in the cold and the rain, having crazies fly airplanes into your buildings or sending cruise missiles into your cities... that sort of thing.

It kinda takes you back, after all these years, to find out you were wrong. We may be scared to death, but thank God we're free.

On a similar note, read on...

Hey! Here's a Good Idea...

Why do people send me mass emails? Do they think I really want to read this crap. I received the following just this morning. Some of my students told me that this is a Robin Williams’ routine. That would make sense. No body that is even half-educated could think this is a good idea. My reply follows this wonderful email.


-----Original Message-----From: Shadow Walker Sent: Monday, March 27, 2006 4:21 PM

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq . This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put ‘em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin’."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)


Okay. Here’s what happens. The following is my reply.


I think it's a great idea to cut China off. After all, how much money to we owe them? I'm fairly certain we're ready to pay back that debt, since we put almost the entire Iraq war on a credit card to begin with. (Just exactly what money do you intend to redirect?) Also, do you realize that the vast majority (something like 90%) of everything China makes is for Wal-Mart? There are no American made televisions? No completely American made cars? Just exactly what is American made anymore?

If we go it alone on oil, even if your figures are accurate (and most say they're not), you've just raised our gas prices, conservatively, to $8.00 a gallon. And why not? We suddenly know how much oil we have and when it will run out. Scarcity always drives up the prices. On the good side, that will prompt us to produce alternate energy sources. Unfortunately, we're probably about 10 years (in the least) from having anything that will even come close.

And you want to talk scarce? You've driven up prices on everything. Since we are no longer a manufacturing country, then demand goes up on those few things that can be imported or are made at home. Who wants to pay $300 for a toaster?

I suppose we can start being a manufacturing country again, but we are not totally self-sufficient. No country is. Who suffers? The consumer. So you may want to isolate yourself, but you can't. Besides, if we don't buy anything from China, who do we sell our crops to? Russia and China are two of our biggest customers. You've just created a surplus on agricultural products, one of the few things we still lead the world in. If you remember from your Econ 101 classes, surpluses always drive down the prices.

So let's review: Even if we renege on our debt with China (and other countries, including France), then we have run away inflation and plummeting wages. In short, you start a world-wide depression that makes the '30s look like good times with massive starvation everywhere, including the US. Even if we subsidize our farmers to keep producing food when it is no longer profitable (of course, how we do that is beyond me, since we can no longer borrow money from anybody), we still can't get it to the consumer because energy costs have killed the shipping industry, but I suppose we could subsidize that, too. In short, before you start with these wonderful ideas, do the math.

Two other points: One: By your plan, terrorists will quake in fear from the United States' retaliation, just like they do now. And, Two: It will cut down on immigration. Who would want to live here?