Saturday, February 25, 2006


Here's an idea. Always ask for a sucker at the bank. Every time. See if they'll even give you extras. In fact, try to walk out with as many as possible. After all, what's a sucker worth? And how much interest does the bank give you on your savings, or for that matter, your checking? Heck, if your bank is like mine (Great Southern), by the time they take their $7.00 service charge from my checking account, I lose money, no matter how much interest I've earned that month (.14 cents is my record for a month so far). So I ask for a sucker. No dum dums please. It's my way of breaking even.

More Misconceptions

This is another installment in my regular series, Misconceptions. Today's topic is (fan fare):


That's right. Today we're talking about misconceptions about misconceptions. The biggest problem we have with misconceptions is assuming they exist to begin with, because, conspiracy theorists aside (Yes, Ron, you), things are exactly as they seem.

Who killed Kennedy? Lee Harvey Oswald. They caught him. Why did Jack Ruby kill Oswald? Because he was nuts. Or a patriot. Or...hell, I don't know. Did OJ kill those people? Nope. He was found not guilty. (Is that different from innocent?) They're called theories because they lack proof.

Wow. This was a short lived series.

Still Lovin' It!

Just a quick thought here: If I'm supposed to be Lovin' McDonald's so much, why is it so obvious that those people working there are not?

Now I know what many of you might say -- well, both of you that read this blog, and one of you already knows what I'm going to say because it's me -- If I can't stand McDonald's so much, why do I keep going back there? I'll tell you why. (Did you think I wasn't?) It's so I can have something to complain about, that's why.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Auntie Meme! Auntie Meme!

Ron Davis tagged me to come up with my four memes, whatever a meme is. But, hey, I’m up to the task!

Or so I thought I was. I originally did this at work. When I got home and was explaining it to my wife (not as easy as it sounds) I realized that some of my answers were different at home than they were at work (for instance, if I were at work, I might say I'd rather be at home, but if I'm at home, I'm sure as hell not going to say work.) So I've updated my list below.

1. Four Jobs I’ve Had
•Grocery sacker
•Tarpaper Machine Operator

Still the same

2. Four movies I could watch over and over
•Blazing Saddles
•The Wizard of Oz
•Forrest Gump

Change Aliens for Wayne's World

3. Four places I’ve lived
•Independence, MO
•San Francisco
•Columbia, MO
•Springfield, MO

Nope, no change

4. Four TV shows I love
•”The Daily Show”
•”The Simpsons”
•”Law & Order” (with Lennie)
•”Whose Line is it Anyway?”

I really love the old series Soap and WKRP, but I can't even find those in syndication, so can they count?

5. Four places I’ve vacationed
•San Diego
•Northwest Florida

Does my mind count?

6. Four of my favorite dishes
•Chili Dogs (no cheese, no onions, just chili and dog, ergo, chile dog)
•Cashew Chicken (China Star)
•Tri-tip Steak, out back on the grill

Ok, the big problem with this one is that Susan is always trying something new. It's hard to have a favorite dish in my house. I would like to add somewhere on there my Mom's baked macaroni and cheese and her old fruit cake (no, I'm not kidding). She hasn't made either in year's. Gramma's fresh apple sauce was pretty darned good, too.

7. Four sites I visit daily

Can I count my own? I really need to get out more.

8. Four places I’d rather be right now
•Puerto Rico
•Funafuti, Tuvalu
•Anywhere on my bicycle

Here's the one that I really thought about. When it gets down to it, it doesn't matter where I'm with if I there with people I like. I'd love to go to Tuvalu with my wife.

9. Four books I love
•Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climes
•Breakfast of Champions

I wouldn't list these as my top four books. I'd like to leave #1 open for something I haven't read yet.

10. Four video games I could play over and over
•Mario Brothers 3
•Space Mission (it’s old, it’s pin ball, but I love it)
•Mine Sweeper

Someone help me quit Mine Sweeper. Please...

Now I’m supposed to tag four other people, but I really have no idea who.

And now that I've thought about, I'm not, either. Hell, I don't know why. I guess it's just too much work. It's not that I'm lazy. In fact, I work very hard at doing nothing. And it's not that I lack motivation. I am very motivated to do nothing.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


This is the first of what I hope to be many in a series I will call: MISCONCEPTIONS! (apocalyptical thunder, please) In this series, using nothing but my bare brain, I will logically debunk all that we’ve come to believe is true. And what I can’t figure out on my own, I’ll make up.

Today’s installment: Marijuana! The Gateway Drug!

This one’s for all you stoners out there. (We know who you are; I mean, you think no one can tell when your stoned? Gimme a break!)

For those of you who always suspected that your D.A.R.E. officer was full of shit... Remember when he told you that Marijuana was the gateway drug? Any idea how they got that statistic? They (being whomever it is that do these sort of things) asked addicts, people who were in drug programs, people who were in short, people who’d let drugs screw up their lives. No doubt, they had probably all smoked marijuana, probably even before they were mainlining Horse (they said that was another name for Heroine in my D.A.R.E. class).

Whom they didn’t ask were the people who hadn’t let marijuana screw up their lives. Those bankers and lawyers, doctors and teachers, politicians and clergy – those normal schmolls you meet everyday on the street – who go home at night and have a little pipe action. They blend into the sofa and fall off to sleep just like your dad used to (Damn! I always knew he was too happy during Gun Smoke). And in the morning, they get up and go to work like they did the day before and the day before that, and will continue to do until they get a gold watch and a firm hand along with a sudden look in the eye and an easy smile.

So let’s ask these guys. Just as I thought. They’ve never smoked marijuana (wink wink nod nod). I wonder why they don’t tell the truth. Comon, guys, no one will care if they know you get high. So Marijuana is about as much a gateway drug as chewing gun is.

Of course, kids, drugs are still bad, and I am in no way advocating that you use any mind altering substances, especially those that the government has deemed to be illegal. Marijuana will ruin your life and cause you to have sex with your dog, or so says my D.A.R.E. officer.

And who was the asshole that thought of D.A.R.E.? Do you have any idea how hard D.A.R.E. is to write? (I cheated on that last one; I cut and paste.)

Sunday, February 19, 2006

The Cockles of My Heart

So I was reading the paper this morning and I came across the phrase “cockles of my heart.” I have always been fond of clichés, but I still had to ask myself, “What’s a cockle, and why would I want one in my heart?”

According to the American Heritage Dictionary, a cockle can be a small boat, the shell of a mollusk (or the mollusk itself), a weed, or a pucker (or the verb to pucker). Now that I know what a cockle is, I still have to ask, “Why would I want one in my heart?”

Ah, but don’t we just love clichés, those phrases we use daily and have no clue what they mean. My all time favorite? “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” Who would want their cake if they couldn’t eat it too? What possible good is cake if you don’t eat it?

And a related bit of trivia: Do you know that the word “Webster” is not copyrighted, trademarked, or otherwise registered or restricted? That’s right. Anybody can produce a dictionary and call it Webster’s. So the next time you hear some high school kid start a speech “According to Webster...” you’ll have another reason to dread everything that is likely to follow, aside from the fact that the kid is starting off with a cliché. (It can only go downhill from there.)