Yeah. Yeah. I know that most people want to do it quickly. But that's where I figure I've got the edge.
A background history: Back in the '70s... Hey. I know that I lived through the '70s because I have documented proof that I was born in the '50s. And I get it from good authority that the year right now is 2006. And by the way, my documented proof comes from the government. And if we can't trust the government, who can we trust?
Any way, back in the '70s (Ahhh, the '70s) I had (and still do) an extensive collection of LPs. For you youngsters out there, that means Long Play. You know, big record albums that are played on a turn table. A needle, usually diamond, scratches along the surface of the album in the one long groove, and those scratches translate into sounds -- loud, raucous sounds commonly known as rock and roll (alternate spelling: rock 'n' roll).
At any rate, in one of those lucid moments rare in the '70s, I thought to myself, "Self, there's a diamond-tipped needle scracthing the piss out of your favourite Bee Gee's album." Now that in itself wouldn't've been a bad thing, but it was also scratching the piss out of my favourite Pink Floyd album, too (which happens to be Wish You Were Here, but I digress).
So I says to myself, "Dude, eventually it will scratch all the way through to the other side. And that would really suck, since most B sides are really not worth listening to. How can you keep that from happening?"
And then the thought occurred to me: Lasars. If somehow you could bounce a beam of light off of the record album, then the record would never wear out.
And then the lucidity ended. Which is why I'm still trying to find ways to get rich.
I've had many good ideas, like legally changing my name to Void. That way whenever somebody voids a check, it's mine. I also thought about making a musical group and calling it Many More. That way whenever there's a record offer on the TV and they say, "...and many more." they have to include my song. I know: Pure genius. And I don't even want to talk about vitamin fortified beer.
All of this has led to my latest scheme: Stealing ice.
I'm really proud of this one. You go to a grocery store and buy a bag of ice. When you get home, you take the ice out of the bag and put it in your freezer, so it won't melt. Then you freeze a whole bunch of cubes and put them back in the bag. And then you return the bag. You tell the store that the ice is defective. You wanted cubes and they're not. A squarish hunk of ice is not a cube. You've had geometry, or whatever.
What choice do they have but to give you your money back? You got your money, and you got their ice. Then you can rebag the ice and sell it yourself. Free ice.
Of course, you probably can't hit the same store more than, say, three or four times, but how many stores are out there that sell ice?
Wow. Pure genius.
