Saturday, September 23, 2006

And the herbs of the meadows...

Here's one of those thought questions: Can Christians be stoners? I mean, does it say anywhere in the bible where God doesn't want us to get toasted? Is there some prohibition that will keep stoners out of Heaven? Seriously. I can't remember anything in the bible that says, "Thou shalt not get high." I mean, I can't imagine Saint Peter saying, "I'm sorry. You lived a great life. You helped out your fellow man. And you professed Jesus Christ as your savior, liked the gange a little too much." (Sound of flushing) "Next!"

R is for Red...Red Necked Mother

One of my students commented that he is often perceived as a dumb redneck. According to him, he's not a dumb redneck. He's a smart redneck. Now, in all fairness, I don't know this guy well enough to comment on him personally... But it did raise an interesting question: What's a redneck? And then, is it possible to be a smart one? If redneck is truly a bad thing to be (and I'm not necessarily saying it is), then is choosing to be one a smart thing to do?

OK, back to the original questions: What is a redneck?

No, really, I don't know. I've always assumed that it was someone who was a racist, sexist, opinionated hick. As such, the only difference between a redneck and a generic asshole was cowboy boots. But is that fair? I'll have to ask him and get back to you on this one.

Comon...If anybody reads this at all...What is a redneck?

Thought for the Day

The problem with lying is not that people won't believe us when we tell the truth, it's that they will believe us when we don't.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Last Thursday

What if... What if everybody were to realize that nobody has a memory of last Thursday? I mean, what did you do last Thursday? And how do you know you really did it and just don't think you did?

Lawn Mower Epiphanies

Some of my best epiphanies come while mowing the lawn. Who knows why. Maybe it's that gnarly power thing, where you have control of a machine that sprays death nad mutilation all around it. Maybe it's all that noise drowning out all but the most basic thoughts. Maybe it's because I get more than gas from my garage before heading out to mow. Who knows.

So, there I was mowing and it occurred to me: The Muslims are no more violent than the Christians. Given their way, radical Christians would stone, hang, and behead with the best of 'em. And the moderate Christians wouldn't stop them. The liberal Christians would probably be some of those getting stoned. (Dude!) No. Not that kind of stoned. (Oh. Sorry.)

The key phrase is "given their way." What it comes down to is a difference in government. Your really nasty Islamic countries are theocracies. Church law (in this case, Shari) is civil law. In Christian countries, there's a difference between the two. Take away the difference, make sure your passport is up to date.

I'd suggest some place like, say, Tahiti. I used to say Tuvalu, but then I found out that Tuvalu is only 8 feet above sea level, and that's not an average. Talk about some people who are seriously worried about global warming. And if you were there, there might be a tend to get religious, seeming as the world sea level rises...what? About a half inch a year? You get the idea.

I suppose Tahiti might worry a bit about that, too, but from what I hear, Tahiti is so beautiful that nobody really cares about much of anything, anyway. That's why Tahiti would be good. The better your life, the less need of religion. As far as that goes, the less need for laws. The less need for government.

But at any rate, the lawn looks really nice.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Koppel Makes His Move

Late last year HGP reported that Ted Koppel was not only planning on taking over the United States, but that he was ultimately wanting to be God. The plot has thickened. Through extensive speculation and no research whatsoever, we now have it on good authority (our own) that it was Koppel who wrote Pope Benedictine's recent speech that so inflamed the Islamic community. We actually have no idea what was in the speech; that would have required reading. But we do know Koppel's motive. He wants the Islamofascists to kill the Pope.

Koppel, who reportedly (by us) has converted to Catholicism, would then be eligible to become the next pope: Pope Theodore the 1st.

Ted. Ted. Ted! Is there no stopping Koppel?

And, of course, once Ted becomes the Pope, he's just a puff of smoke away from being God. And to think, it all started on Nightline, or maybe a station somewhere before that.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Factory Bible Outlet

Yes, there really is a Factory Bible Outlet. I think it might be in Branson. Of course, that begs the question: "What the hell is a Factory Bible Outlet?"

If there is a Factory Bible Outlet, then there must be a Bible Factory. How does that work? Do they have an assembly line? I can just see them standing there with their pneumatic screwdrivers and wire ties. Do the new guys have to start in Genesis? If you get fired, do they send you to Exodus? Or is the whole thing robotic. I could just see the whole line shut down because they didn't get the shipment of Acts.

And where is the factory? Has it been shipped down to Mexico? How about India? Do you really trust a Bible that was manufactured in India?

And do they have seconds? "Yeah, that's our discount table. That batch is missing Dueteronomy. They had to send it back because no one knew how to spell Dueteronomy. But other than that, they're just fine... we think."

And what kind of person would want a discount Bible?

Of course, what kind of person would actually wonder about things like this?

Observations from the Road

One of my driving pastimes is to read the church marquees. I finally have proof that these are shared. Well, not necessarily proof... OK, so here's the deal. There's a church marquee just west of Republic that has out front: "Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church." Or something like that. Never mind that if you never went to church, why would you want a church funeral? But I saw the exact same one in Arkansas this weekend.

There must be a web site out there, or maybe a church publication. I even imagine they include lessons, maybe even entire sermons. Kind of takes the blessing out of Sunday, knowing that the pastor just cuts and pastes his or her sermons. But I'm certain not all of them do. Does yours?

So anyway, there I was driving in Arkansas, and I saw a marquee that said: "The happiest people are too busy to know it." Pardon me, but what the hell does that mean? I mean, what is the point of being happy if you don't know it? Logically then, if you do know it, does it mean that you really aren't happy? Or does it mean that you're just happy, but not the happiest? Does it mean if I'm in a slave galley rowing a boat 20 hours a day that I really am happy because I don't know it? I would love to hear the sermon that goes with that one.