Top Reasons Why I Own a Cat

1. My cat doesn't meow at the neighbors whenever they're out in the yard.

2. I've never been chased by a cat on my bicycle (the cat wasn't on my bicycle, I was).

3. My cat has never licked me in the face.

4. My cat doesn't need to be walked.

5. My cat doesn't sniff strangers' crotches.

6. My cat doesn't insist that we play.

7. Cats don't chew slippers.

8. Cats intuitive know how to use a litter box.

9. Cats use a litter box.

10. A cat has never tried to hump my leg.

The Koppel Konspiracy Revealed

After hours of painstaking speculation, and minutes of actual research, the truth has been discovered about the Koppel Konspiracy. Ted wants no less than the White House.

In 2008, the Democrat most likely to win the White House is none other than Madame Hilary. And regardless of how people may feel about the former First Lady, she stands a darn good chance of winning, simply because she's a woman. Whereas nothing could be better for right wing talk show hosts, nothing could be worse for the Empire envisioned by Carl Rove and his lackeys. Begin the Konspiracy.

First of all, Chaney has to go. Nobody likes him. Nobody wants him. I mean, for Christ's sake, the man's name is "Dick." Chaney resigns because of his health. He gets indicted. Or dies. Whichever. Bush then gets to appoint a new VP. Enter Condiliza Rice, or however you spell her name. Rice becomes the next GOP candidate for President. Of course, the GOP isn't stupid enough to think a black woman will beat anybody. After all, the Republicans invented racism. Here's where things get nasty.

Bush gets blown up by terrorists. Rice becomes president. She gets the sympathy vote (not to mention some pretty good publicity), and she easily beats Hilary. And why not blow up Bush? After all, what good is he going to do the GOP when there's no one handy to keep him from saying those stupid things he's bound to say? Besides, they'd save a lot of money on Secret Service.

But here's the catch. When Connie becomes Prez with only a few scant months left of Bush the Younger's 2nd term, she still gets to choose a VP to replace herself. Who else than Koppel? And why Koppel? Because Koppel is a respected white man (italics added for emphasis). And besides, you know Koppel has to have enough dirt on everybody necessary to make that happen. All it would take is a phone call. Maybe show a few pictures around. Ted probably has enough dirt on God to get himself elected as Pope, even if he's not Catholic (and our sources report that he just may be).

And once Koppel becomes the VP, he is just a heartbeat from the Presidency. There are plenty of stair cases in the White House. Accidents happen. Ah, Ted, how did you go so bad so quickly?

54 Uses for Rosary Beads

I can remove them

one at a time

and swallow each one

as it falls from the chain

And if I don’t choke

as they’re each going down

I can wait for them to pass

It is only then

while I wait with the patience of a nun

that I will need to think of

more than one thing to do

The Wasp on my Window

There's no future here
Whatever wasps eat
there is none
Nothing but dusty spider webs
And even if there were sustanence
the fear of his stinger
would be enough
But he's safe for now
He's too high up to conveniently kill
and seeming in no hurry
to be anywhere else
Except on the other side of the glass
where the November morning
would be no more kinder

Kople Conspiracy Unfolds

Just a scant few days ago, it was reported that Ted Kople, former Nightline host, was also the leading candidate for the second gunman in the Kennedy assassination. That may only be the tip of the ice cube floating in the intoxicating martini of power that Kople's been chugging down for years. Keep in mind what originally brought Kople out of obscurity and into the news lime light: The Iranian Hostage Crisis. If you're too young to remember that, then you're doomed for a lifetime of stupidity wherein the only thing that matters is what has happened within your own miniscule speck of existence on a planet that will only be too ready to see you go. But I digress.

Close examination of photos showing the Iranian militants who took those hostages has brought a chilling discovery, and anything that's chilling in a godforsaken desert, has to be pretty damned good. Even though the militants are wearing hoods and the only thing you can see is their eyes, there is no mistaking the glint in the grainy photograph. It was Kople.

Sources here at HGP have learned through extensive research (the same research that confirmed that we were spelling Kopel's name correctly), that an unnamed source at whatever TV station Kople was on told Ted, "Bring us a story, and we'll give you a show." Ted got his show.

The real question is: What is Kople up to now? What could be better than your own show?

Being Thankful

There ain’t much to be thankful for in prison
when being free is your only wish.
Still you can find things to be thankful for
even when you’re bleeding on the floor,
and I’m thankful that I’m nobody’s bitch.

OK, this is just wrong on so many levels. It even offends me, and I wrote it.

Conspiracy of the Week

Tonight is the last time I won't be able to watch Ted Kopple on Nightline. Today is also the anniversary of the Kennedy assassination. Coincidence? I think not. I wouldn't be surprised that Kopple has proof he wasn't in Dallas on that November day 42 years ago. And nothing could be more convincing of his guilt. Every crook I've ever seen on TV has had an alibi. Why was Kennedy assassinated? To make good copy. And who better to help you cover it up than the entire media association. So what role does Jack Ruby play? Our crack investigative squad here at the HGP has learned that Ruby was once a paper boy. Oh how the pieces all fall in place if you just squint hard enough.

Not That Way

I cannot push back time
and be like Alobar
forever on the run
collecting my frequent dyer miles
and little else

Tell Gonzo he was wrong
it really does hurt
it hurts like hell
it hurts like an echo
bouncing around in a broken room
broken glass
and no explosion big enough
could ever make it right
could make it go back together
like it was before
because time doesn't work that way

The Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch Newsletter #3

Evolution

My fellow Americans:

It has come to my attention that many people are upset over the teaching of the theory of evolution in public schools. In particular, they are opposed to the idea that humans might be descended from apes. Trust me, after working in politics for most of my life, I find this assertion to be quite believable. Their biggest opposition, however, is that the teaching of the theory of evolution goes against what is written in the Holy Bible. After giving this argument considerable consideration, I have come to agree with those opposed to the teaching of the theory of evolution in public schools. I base my decision not necessarily on the fact that it goes against the teachings of the Most Holy Bible, in deference to my Catholic, atheistic, and other wrong thinking constituents, but solely on the assertion that we should not be teaching anything in our public schools that is not a proven fact. Teachers, after all, should all have finished college--a trade school at least--and they should therefore know, beyond a doubt, all of the answers.
Therefore, along with evolution, I am also opposed to the teaching of anything that is based on a theory. In essence, I oppose anything that is not a proven fact. Unfortunately, the following changes will need to be made to our schools’ curricula.
First off, I propose the elimination of all grammar classes. Grammar, after all, is just a theory. And it is grammar that has caused this entire problem. Had grammarians done their job like they should have and not allowed the word “theory” to simultaneously mean “wild guess” and “a well thought out idea that is supported by decades of scientific evidence,” then there never would have been a problem.
Along with grammar, we should no longer teach much, if any, Language Arts. The interpretation of Literature, or for that matter anything, relies on theory.
Next, we must eliminate virtually all Science. After all, gravity is just a theory. And, it can be argued, the earth’s being round is just a theory. Light is a theory. Germs and atoms are just theories. Almost all of astronomy and a good hunk of Physics are theories. Besides, it’s hard to do science without math, and a great deal of Math is theory. For instance, the number “4” can ultimately be seen as a theory.
Social Studies and History need to go. Certainly, one can say that the fact that an event has happened is not a theory, but how do we interpret that event? Unfortunately, that too, is a theory. We could just present the facts and let the students draw their own conclusions. However, whenever we allow students to think for themselves, we are always in danger that they may think differently than we want them to. There’s no question, though, about Social Sciences. Just the word “science” alone should tell you that it’s ultimately based on theory. And Philosophy and Religion? Not a chance.
Unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot left. After, say, the 2nd grade, most students will have learned about all that we can safely say they need to know. Now some may argue that will leave them ill-prepared for surviving in life. But then, are we willing to sacrifice our principles at the cost of teaching our children a lot of garbage that may cause them to think on their own? I think not.
However, I am not for abandoning our educational institutions after the 2nd grade. The way I see it, not having the day cluttered up with a lot of useless theories leaves time for what is truly useful to teach in public education, and ultimately the reason why public schools exist to begin with...Basketball.

Thank You,

Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch