Hey! Here's a Good Idea...

Why do people send me mass emails? Do they think I really want to read this crap. I received the following just this morning. Some of my students told me that this is a Robin Williams’ routine. That would make sense. No body that is even half-educated could think this is a good idea. My reply follows this wonderful email.


-----Original Message-----From: Shadow Walker Sent: Monday, March 27, 2006 4:21 PM

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq . This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put ‘em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin’."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)


Okay. Here’s what happens. The following is my reply.


I think it's a great idea to cut China off. After all, how much money to we owe them? I'm fairly certain we're ready to pay back that debt, since we put almost the entire Iraq war on a credit card to begin with. (Just exactly what money do you intend to redirect?) Also, do you realize that the vast majority (something like 90%) of everything China makes is for Wal-Mart? There are no American made televisions? No completely American made cars? Just exactly what is American made anymore?

If we go it alone on oil, even if your figures are accurate (and most say they're not), you've just raised our gas prices, conservatively, to $8.00 a gallon. And why not? We suddenly know how much oil we have and when it will run out. Scarcity always drives up the prices. On the good side, that will prompt us to produce alternate energy sources. Unfortunately, we're probably about 10 years (in the least) from having anything that will even come close.

And you want to talk scarce? You've driven up prices on everything. Since we are no longer a manufacturing country, then demand goes up on those few things that can be imported or are made at home. Who wants to pay $300 for a toaster?

I suppose we can start being a manufacturing country again, but we are not totally self-sufficient. No country is. Who suffers? The consumer. So you may want to isolate yourself, but you can't. Besides, if we don't buy anything from China, who do we sell our crops to? Russia and China are two of our biggest customers. You've just created a surplus on agricultural products, one of the few things we still lead the world in. If you remember from your Econ 101 classes, surpluses always drive down the prices.

So let's review: Even if we renege on our debt with China (and other countries, including France), then we have run away inflation and plummeting wages. In short, you start a world-wide depression that makes the '30s look like good times with massive starvation everywhere, including the US. Even if we subsidize our farmers to keep producing food when it is no longer profitable (of course, how we do that is beyond me, since we can no longer borrow money from anybody), we still can't get it to the consumer because energy costs have killed the shipping industry, but I suppose we could subsidize that, too. In short, before you start with these wonderful ideas, do the math.

Two other points: One: By your plan, terrorists will quake in fear from the United States' retaliation, just like they do now. And, Two: It will cut down on immigration. Who would want to live here?