No Offense, but...

Why is it, when somebody says, "No offense, but..." you know you're about to be offended? So, if somebody calls your mother a crack whore, and then says, "but no offense intended..." that makes it okay? Well, it does for me, but then, my mother is a crack whore. Well, somebody's mother has to be. (No offense, mom.)

Okay, this is all going somewhere.

So the other day I was in a meeting and a lady gets up to make a presentation on poverty -- poverty of all things! -- and she says, "No offense, but they try to Jew you down." She was, of course, not wanting to offend none of the Jews in the crowd. The first thing that came to mind is why did she use the word "Jew" at all, when what she meant was "haggle," or perhaps "bargain." After all, she knew that she might be offensive.

But then, I took her advice and decided not to be offended.

And that led me to wonder. And anybody that knows me knows where that might lead. And what I wondered was this: Why don't we use other religions as verbs the same way we use Jew as a verb? For instance, what does it mean to Christian somebody (aside from being named)? How about Buddhist? Buddhisted? Buddhisting? Or Muslim? We could even fragment. Have you ever been Hare Krishnaed at an airport? Or Jehovah Witnessed? What about Babtisted? Or Catholicked. On second thought, I'm not sure I want to be Catholicked.

So, for the sake of furthering our understanding of the English language... Ah, hell, who am I kidding? To make it easier to label other people and therefore reduce the amount of thinking we each might be forced to do, I'm going to offer the following additions to our language.

Christianed: The belief that you can always be forgiven without reprisal or responsibility, no matter what you do, by simply saying you're sorry. Examples: He did christian after drunkenly running over all the Kindergartners... what more do you want him to do? He was trying to christian the principal for skipping school.

Baptisted: The ability to be morally superior over someone else because you're dumber than they are. Examples: My dad was so baptist the way he never asked for directions when he was hopelessly lost. Hey, don't baptist me because you didn't pass the test!

Catholicked: To be made to do something morally wrong out of fear that it's sinful not to. Example: That son of a bitched catholicked my little sister!

Buddhisted: To never have to explain what you're talking about because no one will understand it anyway. Example: Mrs. Galicki, our math teacher, buddhisted all hour about fractions.

Islamed: To be afraid to criticise something, even legitimately, for fear of retaliation. Example: Islam is a nice religion.

Jehovah Witnessed: To pretend you're not at home, even when it's obvious that you are, so whomever it is at the door will go away. Example: When we went over to the neighbor's house to complain about the noise from his party, he jehovah witnessed us.

Taoed: To be told something that made absolutely no sense at all, but in such a way that it's actually you that feels dumber in the end. Example: The tax agent taoed me about the new changes in the law.

Hare Krishnaed: The belief that everything bad will go away if you ignore it, and even if it doesn't, you're still ignoring it, so what difference does it make? Example: He hare krishnaed his mother's drinking problem.

Atheisted: Example:

Remember, these will only be incorporated into our language if they are used.


But no offense.