The Lunatic Monologues #3

Magnetic Strips

I figured out how to take the magnetic strips out of the books you buy at Barnes and Noble. You know, the ones they use to tell if you’ve been shoplifting. So I took the strips out, right there in the store, and I ate them. Did you know it takes about 40 before you’ll set off an alarm? But I suppose that depends on body size. Maybe metabolism. At any rate, after I’d eaten all of those magnetic strips, when I walked through the door I’d set the alarm off. Every time. Of course, the first few times, they’d check me out. Well, it was always half-ass at best, but they still would check me out. It got to be a joke. They’d say it must be something in my clothes, and I would say it was probably something I’d eaten. They thought that was funny, and of course, I did too. But for different reasons. And then, once they got to know me, they’d just wave me on through. They never bothered to check...anymore, ever. And that’s when I started stealing books. I’d steal one about once a week, sometimes more. I’ve even been known to take two at a time. I’ve been doing it now for over three years. It doesn’t matter what kind of book you steal. That’s not the point. You see, the thing is, they don’t even watch for shoplifters because they’re so sure their magnetic strips will work. Besides, who shoplifts books? I still have to eat them...you know, the magnetic strips. It’s just to keep the level up. But now I don’t have to do it in the store. I can wait until I get back home.