If My Doggy had a Chainsaw

If my dog had a chainsaw,
my cat wouldn’t be safe in town.
She’d run and hide in the tree tops,
then my dog would buzz her down.

If you dog had him a chainsaw,
my cat would get her a gun.
When she saw that dog a comin’,
there’d be no reason to run.

If my cat had her a handgun,
my dog would get a grenade.
He’d see the cat there a lyin’,
and then blow her out of the shade.

If my dog got him a hand grenade,
my cat would get her a tank;
line that ol’ dog up in the crosshairs,
and then give the trigger a yank.

If my cat got her an army tank,
my dog would get him a jet.
Two hundred pounds of napalm
would fry that cat, you bet.

If my dog got him a jet plane,
my cat would get an atomic bomb.
Light the fuse, there’s nothin’ to lose,
in a flash it’ll all be gone.

So don’t give my doggy a chainsaw,
‘cause then it’ll all begin.
And once my doggy has a chainsaw,
we all know where it’ll end.
Once my doggy has a chainsaw,
there ain’t nobody gonna win.


Loosely based on the traditional Yiddish folk tale, “If Yadik had a Rock”