Misconceptions

This is the first of what I hope to be many in a series I will call: MISCONCEPTIONS! (apocalyptical thunder, please) In this series, using nothing but my bare brain, I will logically debunk all that we’ve come to believe is true. And what I can’t figure out on my own, I’ll make up.

Today’s installment: Marijuana! The Gateway Drug!

This one’s for all you stoners out there. (We know who you are; I mean, you think no one can tell when your stoned? Gimme a break!)

For those of you who always suspected that your D.A.R.E. officer was full of shit... Remember when he told you that Marijuana was the gateway drug? Any idea how they got that statistic? They (being whomever it is that do these sort of things) asked addicts, people who were in drug programs, people who were in prison...in short, people who’d let drugs screw up their lives. No doubt, they had probably all smoked marijuana, probably even before they were mainlining Horse (they said that was another name for Heroine in my D.A.R.E. class).

Whom they didn’t ask were the people who hadn’t let marijuana screw up their lives. Those bankers and lawyers, doctors and teachers, politicians and clergy – those normal schmolls you meet everyday on the street – who go home at night and have a little pipe action. They blend into the sofa and fall off to sleep just like your dad used to (Damn! I always knew he was too happy during Gun Smoke). And in the morning, they get up and go to work like they did the day before and the day before that, and will continue to do until they get a gold watch and a firm hand along with a sudden look in the eye and an easy smile.

So let’s ask these guys. Just as I thought. They’ve never smoked marijuana (wink wink nod nod). I wonder why they don’t tell the truth. Comon, guys, no one will care if they know you get high. So Marijuana is about as much a gateway drug as chewing gun is.

Of course, kids, drugs are still bad, and I am in no way advocating that you use any mind altering substances, especially those that the government has deemed to be illegal. Marijuana will ruin your life and cause you to have sex with your dog, or so says my D.A.R.E. officer.

And who was the asshole that thought of D.A.R.E.? Do you have any idea how hard D.A.R.E. is to write? (I cheated on that last one; I cut and paste.)