The Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch Newsletter #3
Evolution
My fellow Americans:
It has come to my attention that many people are upset over the teaching of the theory of evolution in public schools. In particular, they are opposed to the idea that humans might be descended from apes. Trust me, after working in politics for most of my life, I find this assertion to be quite believable. Their biggest opposition, however, is that the teaching of the theory of evolution goes against what is written in the Holy Bible. After giving this argument considerable consideration, I have come to agree with those opposed to the teaching of the theory of evolution in public schools. I base my decision not necessarily on the fact that it goes against the teachings of the Most Holy Bible, in deference to my Catholic, atheistic, and other wrong thinking constituents, but solely on the assertion that we should not be teaching anything in our public schools that is not a proven fact. Teachers, after all, should all have finished college--a trade school at least--and they should therefore know, beyond a doubt, all of the answers.
Therefore, along with evolution, I am also opposed to the teaching of anything that is based on a theory. In essence, I oppose anything that is not a proven fact. Unfortunately, the following changes will need to be made to our schools’ curricula.
First off, I propose the elimination of all grammar classes. Grammar, after all, is just a theory. And it is grammar that has caused this entire problem. Had grammarians done their job like they should have and not allowed the word “theory” to simultaneously mean “wild guess” and “a well thought out idea that is supported by decades of scientific evidence,” then there never would have been a problem.
Along with grammar, we should no longer teach much, if any, Language Arts. The interpretation of Literature, or for that matter anything, relies on theory.
Next, we must eliminate virtually all Science. After all, gravity is just a theory. And, it can be argued, the earth’s being round is just a theory. Light is a theory. Germs and atoms are just theories. Almost all of astronomy and a good hunk of Physics are theories. Besides, it’s hard to do science without math, and a great deal of Math is theory. For instance, the number “4” can ultimately be seen as a theory.
Social Studies and History need to go. Certainly, one can say that the fact that an event has happened is not a theory, but how do we interpret that event? Unfortunately, that too, is a theory. We could just present the facts and let the students draw their own conclusions. However, whenever we allow students to think for themselves, we are always in danger that they may think differently than we want them to. There’s no question, though, about Social Sciences. Just the word “science” alone should tell you that it’s ultimately based on theory. And Philosophy and Religion? Not a chance.
Unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot left. After, say, the 2nd grade, most students will have learned about all that we can safely say they need to know. Now some may argue that will leave them ill-prepared for surviving in life. But then, are we willing to sacrifice our principles at the cost of teaching our children a lot of garbage that may cause them to think on their own? I think not.
However, I am not for abandoning our educational institutions after the 2nd grade. The way I see it, not having the day cluttered up with a lot of useless theories leaves time for what is truly useful to teach in public education, and ultimately the reason why public schools exist to begin with...Basketball.
Thank You,
Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch
My fellow Americans:
It has come to my attention that many people are upset over the teaching of the theory of evolution in public schools. In particular, they are opposed to the idea that humans might be descended from apes. Trust me, after working in politics for most of my life, I find this assertion to be quite believable. Their biggest opposition, however, is that the teaching of the theory of evolution goes against what is written in the Holy Bible. After giving this argument considerable consideration, I have come to agree with those opposed to the teaching of the theory of evolution in public schools. I base my decision not necessarily on the fact that it goes against the teachings of the Most Holy Bible, in deference to my Catholic, atheistic, and other wrong thinking constituents, but solely on the assertion that we should not be teaching anything in our public schools that is not a proven fact. Teachers, after all, should all have finished college--a trade school at least--and they should therefore know, beyond a doubt, all of the answers.
Therefore, along with evolution, I am also opposed to the teaching of anything that is based on a theory. In essence, I oppose anything that is not a proven fact. Unfortunately, the following changes will need to be made to our schools’ curricula.
First off, I propose the elimination of all grammar classes. Grammar, after all, is just a theory. And it is grammar that has caused this entire problem. Had grammarians done their job like they should have and not allowed the word “theory” to simultaneously mean “wild guess” and “a well thought out idea that is supported by decades of scientific evidence,” then there never would have been a problem.
Along with grammar, we should no longer teach much, if any, Language Arts. The interpretation of Literature, or for that matter anything, relies on theory.
Next, we must eliminate virtually all Science. After all, gravity is just a theory. And, it can be argued, the earth’s being round is just a theory. Light is a theory. Germs and atoms are just theories. Almost all of astronomy and a good hunk of Physics are theories. Besides, it’s hard to do science without math, and a great deal of Math is theory. For instance, the number “4” can ultimately be seen as a theory.
Social Studies and History need to go. Certainly, one can say that the fact that an event has happened is not a theory, but how do we interpret that event? Unfortunately, that too, is a theory. We could just present the facts and let the students draw their own conclusions. However, whenever we allow students to think for themselves, we are always in danger that they may think differently than we want them to. There’s no question, though, about Social Sciences. Just the word “science” alone should tell you that it’s ultimately based on theory. And Philosophy and Religion? Not a chance.
Unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot left. After, say, the 2nd grade, most students will have learned about all that we can safely say they need to know. Now some may argue that will leave them ill-prepared for surviving in life. But then, are we willing to sacrifice our principles at the cost of teaching our children a lot of garbage that may cause them to think on their own? I think not.
However, I am not for abandoning our educational institutions after the 2nd grade. The way I see it, not having the day cluttered up with a lot of useless theories leaves time for what is truly useful to teach in public education, and ultimately the reason why public schools exist to begin with...Basketball.
Thank You,
Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch
posted by The Holy Grail Press at 10:11 AM
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