A History of the Future
Through what I can only describe as truly weird, my computer has been getting emails from the future. It all began when I tried to illegally download the song "Time Warp" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Now, from time to time, I am receiving entries from Dr. Ivan Tupidsay IX's A Concise History of Everything, which was (or will be, depending on your perspective) published in 2420. As I receive these various entries, I will share them with my loyal readers.
Today's entry: The Aryan Nation
The Aryan Nation officially claimed its independence from the United States of America on September 19, 2032, in what was formally a remote section of southwest Missouri.
Lawrence "Larry" Hitler, who claimed to be the great-great-great-grand nephew of the infamous German leader, declared himself to be the Furor of this new "nation."
Hitler declared the Aryan Nation to be "A land free from the dilution of the white race by foreigners and [blacks]. A place where our women, both of them, can be safe. A place where hard-working white folk would not be in danger of losing their jobs to ...[immigrants]." Unfortunately, there were no jobs in that part of the country. Said Larry, "Yeah, that may be so. But I'll be damned if any [person of non-Aryan desent] is going to take away what I don't have!"
Prior to the declaration of the country's independence, urged by the writings of Larry Hitler, members of the Aryan Nation had been concentrating in southwest Missouri, purchasing land and forcing those who did not believe in their desire to have an all white Aryan homeland out of that area, often with violence.
Even though the United States did not officially recognize the Aryan Nation, they did not send in troops to stop them, either. Instead, with the help of peace keeping troops from the United States of South America, they isolated the entire nation and its purported 250,000 "citizens," many of whom moved there during the early days of the nation. Said Fernando Vasquez, head of the USSA, "You're kidding, right? You really want to let these [people who are not very nice] spread their insanity? You know, actually it's kinda nice to have them all in one place. They're easier to watch that way."
Even though it is estimated that over 100,000 refugees fled to Arkansas, where nobody knew the difference, it wasn't the blockade that ultimately brought the Aryan Nation to an end. Says historian Lewis Nurdlebutz, "It was Larry Hitler himself. Increasingly the Nation's credo changed from 'You must be one of us' to 'You must be me.'"
By the spring of 2034, the only people left in the Aryan Nation was Larry Hitler and a few families living in a trailer part just outside of Clever, MO, who never knew they were part of the Aryan Nation to begin with. "Times have always been hard," said Jacob Luden. "I just figured when I didn't get my gov'ment check for two year that the mail was just goin' slower than usual."
By the summer of 2034, Larry Hitler had disappeared. It is widely believed that he was eaten by the black bears that had been reintroduced to that part of country during the late 20th century. The land comprising the former Aryan Nation was subsequently inhabited by the members of the United States of South America's peace keeping force, who didn't have enough gas to get back home anyway. Said Luis Gonzalaz, "I always wanted to live in America."
As stated by the former Vice-Furor of the Aryan Nation, Wendell Auhswitz, "Well, hell, that didn't work."
Today's entry: The Aryan Nation
The Aryan Nation officially claimed its independence from the United States of America on September 19, 2032, in what was formally a remote section of southwest Missouri.
Lawrence "Larry" Hitler, who claimed to be the great-great-great-grand nephew of the infamous German leader, declared himself to be the Furor of this new "nation."
Hitler declared the Aryan Nation to be "A land free from the dilution of the white race by foreigners and [blacks]. A place where our women, both of them, can be safe. A place where hard-working white folk would not be in danger of losing their jobs to ...[immigrants]." Unfortunately, there were no jobs in that part of the country. Said Larry, "Yeah, that may be so. But I'll be damned if any [person of non-Aryan desent] is going to take away what I don't have!"
Prior to the declaration of the country's independence, urged by the writings of Larry Hitler, members of the Aryan Nation had been concentrating in southwest Missouri, purchasing land and forcing those who did not believe in their desire to have an all white Aryan homeland out of that area, often with violence.
Even though the United States did not officially recognize the Aryan Nation, they did not send in troops to stop them, either. Instead, with the help of peace keeping troops from the United States of South America, they isolated the entire nation and its purported 250,000 "citizens," many of whom moved there during the early days of the nation. Said Fernando Vasquez, head of the USSA, "You're kidding, right? You really want to let these [people who are not very nice] spread their insanity? You know, actually it's kinda nice to have them all in one place. They're easier to watch that way."
Even though it is estimated that over 100,000 refugees fled to Arkansas, where nobody knew the difference, it wasn't the blockade that ultimately brought the Aryan Nation to an end. Says historian Lewis Nurdlebutz, "It was Larry Hitler himself. Increasingly the Nation's credo changed from 'You must be one of us' to 'You must be me.'"
By the spring of 2034, the only people left in the Aryan Nation was Larry Hitler and a few families living in a trailer part just outside of Clever, MO, who never knew they were part of the Aryan Nation to begin with. "Times have always been hard," said Jacob Luden. "I just figured when I didn't get my gov'ment check for two year that the mail was just goin' slower than usual."
By the summer of 2034, Larry Hitler had disappeared. It is widely believed that he was eaten by the black bears that had been reintroduced to that part of country during the late 20th century. The land comprising the former Aryan Nation was subsequently inhabited by the members of the United States of South America's peace keeping force, who didn't have enough gas to get back home anyway. Said Luis Gonzalaz, "I always wanted to live in America."
As stated by the former Vice-Furor of the Aryan Nation, Wendell Auhswitz, "Well, hell, that didn't work."
posted by The Holy Grail Press at 9:51 AM
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