Getting God Out of Everything

The inclusion of religion into our daily lives is more insidious than many believe. Where there has been much recent publicity over such holidays as Christmas and Easter, there are those that are much more subtle, but they're there just the same, influencing our children. And they are so common that they go by virtually unnoticed... until after the harm is done.

For instance, was it just a coincidence that the War in Iraq started in March, the month named after Mars, the Roman god of war? But it doesn't stop there.

January was named after the Roman god Janus, the two-faced god of beginning. And who wants anyone to be two-faced? April was named after the goddess Aphrodite. Sex, that's what she represented. Sex! And May was named after Maia, the mother of the god Hermes, which sounds a whole lot like herpes, which is what happens when you have the month right before it named after Aphrodite.

And then there are July and August, two months named after Julius and Augustus Ceasar. They weren't gods, but they wanted to be. And just because they wanted as many days as every other month, they took what they needed from February. Well, bubs, February wants them back!

But it doesn't stop there. Tuesday was named after the Tiw's day, which translates into Martis day (especially if you've been drinking), or the day of Mars. Wednesday is named after Woden, a Norse god. Ditto with Thursday: Thor's day. Some say Friday was named after the Norse god Freda, while others say in was named after Venus (though how they got that is beyond me). Either way, makes no difference. And, of course, Saturday was named after Saturn, the ancient Roman god of agriculture and father of Jupiter.

Of course, starting the week on Sunday (or Monday) implies the Sabbath. And we can't have that, now, can we?

Even the word night has a religious origin, being associated with the Greek god Nyx.

It's time this stopped. The solution: Number everything. After all, the months were originally numbered (Sept = 7, Oct = 8, Nov = 9, Dec = 10). Only this time, we'll get it right.

The months will become:

January = Onevary
February = Twovary
March = Tharch
April = Fouril
May = Fivay
June = Sixune
July = Sevuly
August = Eightust
September = Ninember
October = Tenember
November = Elevember
December = Twelvember

The days of the week will become:

Oneday, Twoday, Threeday, Fourday, Fiveday, Sixday, and Sevenday. Only the first day of the week will start on what is now Tuesday so it won't be associated with the Sabbath, or anything close.

Night will henceforth be called Unday.

So if Tuesday night fell on January the first, it would Onevary the First, Oneday unday.

That ought to make everyone happy.