666

The Rapture came off without a hitch yesterday, just like I would've predicted had I actually bothered to write about it. But then, I figured, what's the point? Who would be left to read it? Actually, quite a few. So far, the total unconfirmed amount of those who ascended to heaven in the Rapture, at least in the United States, is 3.

As of this writing, a lady known only as That Crazy Old Bitch is reported missing from Milwaukee. Her shopping cart was found unattended in the alleyway where she sometimes slept. Those close to her said she was a devout woman who often quoted the Scriptures to those who walked by.

In Baton Rouge, the boat of Abraham Ferrell was found floating on Lake Ponchatrain. As for now, local authorities are reporting it as a possible drowning, but friends of Abe claim that that isn't so. "Abe...hell, he wouldn't a drown," said Abe's friend, a man who was only identified as "Billy." Abe was said to be a righteous man, who often used the name of the Savior.

And in Northern California, a car was found abandoned on I-80. The 1982 Chevrolet Celebrity reportedly had a bumper sticker that read, "In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned." Authorities there are still trying to find out whose car it was, but here at HGP we are fairly certain that even if they do find out who was driving the car, he or she will never be found.

Of course, the big question now is: Who is the Anti-Christ?