Divine Justice

So you see, there was this guy named Elvin... it was a family name and he got enough shit to last a lifetime in the 8^th grade, so back off. OK, so Elvin was going to this party over at this dude, Raymond’s, house. And he was going with his friend Claude... and, yes, he got a lot of shit in junior high, too. But, you see, the thing is, Elvin didn’t know Raymond, so just before they walked in, Claude says, “Dude, like Raymond’s a really cool guy and all, but whatever you do, don’t mention armadillos.” And, of course, Elvin had a question, which Claude answered. “Hell, I don’t know why. But if you ever say that word – armadillo – he’ll just go nuts. Total ape shit. No tellin’ what he’ll do.”

OK, seriously. “Armadillo” is not a word most people say on a daily basis. Armadillos are not something most people ever think about – like even once a week – unless you live in the Southwest. But they didn’t. They were in Kansas City. And, of course, Elvin believed Claude. And it just drove him nuts. All night long. Because Raymond was a big dude. Nobody ever gave him shit in junior high. But he was a really nice guy. But Elvin’s wondering, you know, about Armadillo and all, well, it just ruined the party and any chance he had with this really hot chick named Laurie, who he probably wouldn’t’ve scored with anyway, but that didn’t make any difference with Elvin.

And it didn’t stop there. Elvin was a mess. I’m talking like for a whole week. Because he had to know. I mean, it’s just one of those things that wouldn’t let him go. So finally, like at 7:00 on a Thursday night, he goes over to Raymond’s. And when Raymond opens the door, Elvin just yells out, “Armadillo!”

And Raymond does nothing. Well, he blinked a couple of times and gave Elvin a look kind of like “What the hell?” And then he watched as Elvin stomped away. And Elvin stomped straight over to Claude’s house, and then he stomped Claude’s ass. He beat the living shit out of him for messing with his mind – you know, telling him that crap about Raymond and the word Armadillo. I mean, Elvin was really pissed.

He probably would’ve gotten over it though, because he never really could keep mad about anything. But he was run over. Right there in Claude’s front yard. By Raymond. I mean splat. The son of a bitch never even slowed down.