Bad Joke of the Week

Why don't they bury mules?

Because no one wants to dig an ass hole.

Career Plans

I had an epiphany this weekend: Nobody cares if you're addicted to gambling if you're really good at it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that that would apply for anything. People are willing to forgive you for doing anything, and even pay you for it, if you're really, really good at it. Wanna spend your entire life stoned? Tommy Chong. Wanna spend your entire life having sex with beautiful co-eds? Hugh Hefner. Wanna get away with murder? OJ. Kinda puts life in perspective.

After Thirty Years

Could you ride in an elevator
with your old lover
an a city far away
and she not even recognize
that once
yes, once
so far from here
you had each whispered
those things no one else was meant to hear

And you say hello
and she says hello
never realizing
how far together you've grown apart

And yes, dear
the toilets do spin
in the wrong direction
back home

Buenos Aires, December 2007

Selling Your Soul in a Buyer's Market

So... I was lying in bed last night thinking... What if you were to offer to sell your soul, but you don't want the normal stuff, like fame and riches and eternal life. What if you decided to sell it for the most ridiculous thing you could possibly think of, like being the King of Wisconsin. That way, if you actually became the King of Wisconsin, then you'd know that it was true. That there really was a devil. Of course, you'd be screwed, but at least you'd know.

And that led to another thought. If you became the King of Wisconsin, then the devil would definitely be outed. Is that something the devil would truly want? I mean, to remove all doubt from everybody that he exists? How much more business would he lose if everybody suddenly knew, beyone a doubt, that he exists? And if that's the case, then your soul's not worth it.

And that led to another thought. What's a soul worth? Not necessarily to the people that has them, but to the devil that wants them. Are some souls worth more? For instance, would the Pope's soul be worth more than, say, George W's (assuming that he doesn't have one or both already)? Who would the devil be willing to out himself for?

And that led to another thoguht: I need to get stronger sleeping pills.

Those Things I Ponder

Why is it that people get stoned and then spend the entire time pretending they're not stoned?

What if today were National Dress Like A Clown Day, and you were the only person who didn't get the memo?

And finally, why isn't there such a thing as Gomorramy? I mean, think about it. God destroyed both Sodom and Gomorrah because they were both evil. But it's only Sodom that's got the bad rap. Could you be Gomorramized? Would you want to be?

Shallow Thoughts

Simple people search for simple answers, and they find them.

Just an observation: At the school I teach at (and if memory serves me, others I have taught at) students often bring Bibles to school. I don't have a problem with that; it's their right and all those other things you say when you don't want to offend people -- but then, if they're reading this blog, it's probably too late anyway. But I digress. So anyway, all these kids bring their Bibles to school, and they're all boys. In fact, I can't ever remember seeing a girl with a Bible at school. We also have an Fellowship of Christian Athletes here, and the majority of the members are boys, way beyond the normal ratio of boys/girls sports. I don't know what that means, if anything. I just find it interesting.

Modesty

I wanna write
the kind of poem that everybody is supposed to like
and it will be studied
and disected
and diagrammed
until every nuance
has been debated
in journals ans seminars and Internet chatrooms
by stuffy academics with no sense of humor whatsoever
so many times
until no one no longer
gives a damn
And everybody
I mean everybody
can no longer remember
why anybody ever thought it was good
much less worthy of literary merit
to ever begin with
Yeah
I'd be content with that

Take One Down, Pass it Around...

Why aren't there designated drunks? You know, someone to show up at an event where you don't normally find drunks, like church picnics, AA meetings, or baby showers, and just get trashed.
"What's the matter with Larry?"
"Oh, don't worry about him. He's the designated drunk. He'll be passing out pretty soon."

And why don't you ever see a car with a bumper sticker that says, "How's My Drinking?" And just what 800 number would they have you call? 1800-BARFNOW?

The Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch Newsletter #17

Troop Surge

My Fellow Americans,

In the run up to the 2008 presidental election, it has become fashionable to question the judgment of our current President, especially concerning his policies in Iraq. Some candidates even state that the President, at best, is an incompetent buffoon. Shame on these naysayers.

All our leaving Iraq will do is deny American soldiers the opportunity to have been killed in the line of duty. Over 3,000 of our young men and women, and quite possibly even a few gays, have died in this noble cause. Whites and coloreds alike. The war is equal opportunity, and these deaths will be in vain unless more people die, too. Preferrably Iraqis. Any Iraqi.

The President's policy in Iraq is perfect for the common man to grasp -- it doesn't require thought. Patriotism often works that way. And I'm proud to say I would have voted for the original invasion if they would've let me. I realize the war was always about oil, but what's wrong with that? Darn it! We need that oil. How dare Iraq threaten the American way of life of doing what we want when we want. And to whomever we want.

Not only do I support the President's current policy in Iraq, but in the spirit of non-parisanship, I am volunteering my services to be the next War Czar -- at a modest price. True, I have no idea what I'll be doing and no experience whatsoever, but that doesn't seem to make a bit of difference, and I couldn't possibly do worse.

What I propose as the next War Czar -- or as the next President, I'm not picky -- is a proper troop surge. 25,000 troops? That's like bringing a six pack to a Teamsters' meeting. I propose to send 15,000,000 troops to Iraq. I'm talking on-on-one -- one soldier for every Iraqi. If they start to make a bomb, shoot 'em. If they're making secret plans, listen, and then shoot 'em.

Do you want a time line for sending our troops back home? That's easy. If you've got no one to watch, you get to go home.

My opponents ask me where I might find 15,000,000 troops. Fifteen million is 5% of the US population, I think, which is roughly how many people support the current troop surge. I say send them.

Thank you, and may God bless America, and especially its politicians, and especially me.