You Can't Know the Players Without a Program

With the start of the 2008 Presidential Campaign, I find myself wondering: Who the heck was that kid who used to sit in front of me in the 5th grade? Not Richard. I know him. But that other kid. The one who Miss Forshee moved after she was sick of Richard and me talking all hour. Because, truly, he was a dick. Richard was a Dick, too, but not in that sense. And, you know, he just might be running for President. Not Richard, but the other dick. So I got to wondering just who might be running for president. Thank goodness for Wikipedia. Therefore, I give you the following Official Program. For simplicity's sake, I've given everybody a number, for the most part, I just started at the beginning and went down, except for Obama. I missed him the first time through. And the Republicans. Let's face it; they don't stand a chance anyway, when the best they can offer so far is Brownback.

Democratic Candidates

Officially Filed

#1 Senator Joseph Biden (from Delaware... wow... we’re in Delaware)

#2 Senator Christopher Dodd (from Connecticut... State Motto: "At least it’s easier to spell than Massachutsettes")

#3 Senator John Edwards (from North Carolina and no longer running with what’s his name)

#4 Senator Mike Gavel (from Alaska: State Motto: "Brrrrr.")

#5 Congressman Dennis Kucinich (Ohio, which is easier to spell than Kucinich)

# 57 Senator Barack Obama (Illinois; official campaign song: “Back in Black”)

#6 Former Governor Tom Vilsack (Pennsylvania; official campaing motto: “Comon, guys, you remember me!”)

Unofficial, but has exploratory committee

#7 Governor Bill Richardson (New Mexico; has same birthday as me, which would be cool)

#8 Senator Hillary Clinton (New York, Arkansas, Chicago, I’m not picky; Official campaign motto: “Bill who?”)

Potential Noteable Candidates Without Exploratory Committees

#9 General Wesley Clark (Official motto: “No, really, I’m probably not maybe going to run.”)

#10 Al “You’ve Got to be Kidding Me” Gore

#11 Al “You’ve Really Got to be Kidding Me” Sharpton

#12 Governor Kathleen Sebelius (Kansas; official motto: “Eisenhower was not a fluke!”)

Those Guys who Are Definitely Not Running (Yeah, Right)

#13 John “Thank God” Kerry, #14 Mark Warner, #15 Russ Feingold, #16 Howard “Yee Haa!” Dean, #17 Tom “I’m not a wiener dog” Daschle, and # 19 Evan Bayh


And Now for the Republicans

#44 Senator Sam Brownback (Kansas: Official motto: “Jesus loves me, and maybe you, too.”)

#45 Representative Duncan Hunter (California: Official motto: “My name says it all.”)

Potential Candidates with Exploratory Committees

#46 Former Governor Jim Gilmore (Virginia; didn’t they execute that guy in Utah in ’76?)

#47 Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani (New York; Official motto: “Cashing in on my 15 minutes of fame.”)

#48 Former Governor Mike Huckabee (Arkansas; Official motto: “You elected Clinton, why not me?”)

#49 Senator John McCain (Arizona: Official motto: “No, really, I’m probably going to run.”)

#50 Representative Ron Paul (Pensylvania; Official motto: "Who?")

# 51 Former Governor Mitt Romney (Massachusettes; Official motto: “Who says it’s that hard to spell?”)

#52 Representative Tom Tancredo (Colorado; Officially needs a motto)

#53 Former Governor Tommy Thompson (Wisconsin, also known for cheese)

Potential Candidates Without Exploratory Committees

#54 Former Everything Newt Gingrich (Considering running with Al Sharpton)

#55 Senator Chuck Hagel (Nebraska, it’s not just the home of corn)

#56 Former Governor George Pataki (New York, where no one has a normal name)

Those Guys who Are Definitely Not Running (Only if there is a God)

#20 George Allen, #21 Jeb “Thanks A Lot W” Bush, #22 Dick “Dick” Cheney, #23 Bill “Sounds Like Fist” Frist, #24 Condoleezza “I’m Not A Guy!” Rice, #25 Mark Stanford, and #26 Rick Santorium (not sanitarium)

They’re Running but We Really Don’t Know What Their Party is, Not Like it’s Really Going to Matter Anyway

#27 Michael Charles Smith and #28 Richard Michal Smith (are these the same guy?)

Constitution Party (see the above category)

#29 James Gilchrist (California)

Green Party

#30 Kat Swift (Texas; doesn’t stand a chance, but don’t you love the name?)

#31 Ralph Nader (Who knows; unofficially willing to officially waste our time yet again)

Libertarian Party (not afraid to waste our time yet again)

#32 Steve Kubby (California; sounds like chubby)

#33 George Phillies (Massachusettes; shouldn't he be from Pennsylvania?)

#34 Christine Smith (Colorado; Not related to either Michael or Richard)

#35 Doug Stanhope (Arizona; the only hope he has is in his name)

#36 Robert “Whiney the Pooh” Milnes (New Jersey)

Prohibition (I’m not kidding) Party

#37 Gene Amondson (Washington; I'll drink to that)


And Everybody Else

Actively pursuing or interested in candidacy, though for the life of me I don’t know why

#38 Steve Adams (Kentucky), #39 Bob Hargis (Oklahoma), #40 Daniel Imperato (Florida), #41 David A Koch (Utah), #42 Ken Goldsetein, and #43 Charles T. Maxham (New Jersey)


Don't worry if you can't remember everybody. This is bound to change by the time I hit "Publish Post."