ID Theft

This is a really freaky story, see. It’s about this guy that I’ll call...nobody. That’s how people who run in those kind of circles like to be called. So anyway, this nobody, he steals this other fellow’s identification. Got all the information he needed off the World Wide Web. He could’ve justified that this other fellow had plenty of money and would never miss a few grand. But then, why would a fella have to justify anything, especially if he’s just trying to get by in the world, if you know what I mean. So anyway, like I was sayin’, he steals this other fella’s personality, a dentist by the name of Larry Ingles. I mean, Larry Ingles. Have you ever heard a more white bread name? I mean, it’s just the kind of name... Well, you know that anybody who would be named Larry Ingles would have the kind of sex life that would make a penguin envious. And the truth of it was, Larry Ingles was really that way. I mean, he couldn’t back the car out of the driveway without pissin’ himself. I’m not kiddin’. I have no idea how he ever survived as a dentist. Maybe he was one of those idiot savants. You know, like Rainman, only with teeth. So, to tie all this in, when that nobody stole this loser’s ID, he actually became the loser. I mean, not only did he have his identity, but he had his entire life. Like, see, suddenly he’s standing in this guy’s bathroom starin’ back at himself in a mirror, only the guy he sees ain’t him. It’s this Larry Ingles guy. No f---in’ shit. And he realizes in a hurry that he had just better keep his mouth shut. I mean, you go tellin’ people that you’re somebody else... they lock you up. There was no problem with this guy’s wife. You know, they say most women can tell the difference between one man and another in bed? I don’t really know. After all, I pretty much guess all women feel about the same. You turn out the lights, dude, you could be with anybody. And I often am. But... um... oh yeah. So he was thinkin’ this other guy’s wife might know the difference in the sack, and he knows that he couldn’t turn down any... ever... if you know what I mean. But she has absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever. Just for shits one night he says, “How about a blow job?” And she spends the rest of the evening crying in the shower. Hell, I don’t know what half of that has to do with anything, but ... Oh yeah. This guy becomes a dentist. I mean, he is a dentist. He actually knows how to do it. And after a while, aside from his wife being just plain weird, he gets to really liking his job. Well, he’s getting a little strange on the side, but his wife certainly doesn’t give a shit. This guy really gets into cleaning teeth and drilling and stuff like that. Maybe it was the sadistic side in him. I mean, if you were some weirdo who got into hurting other people.... Wow. I mean, being a dentist is it. So one day... we’re talkin’ probably 19 years... he’s getting ready to retire. I mean, if you don’t see this one comin’, well.... I’ll tell you anyway. You guessed it. He gets his identification stolen, and he becomes this guy who is sittin’ on the sofa in his underwear trying to decide if he has time to masturbate before his wife gets out of the shower. Which makes him look even more incredibly stupid, because there he is, with his wang in his hand going for broke, when the police kicked open the door. I mean, there was no warning – Nothing. Well, nothing except ol’ whatshisname sittin’ there polishing his pipe, if you know what I mean. They haul him away for identification theft. Seems he had been tryin’ to steal all these people’s identifications. And he lived in one of those states that had a three strike law. You know, on your third offense, they lock you up until you’re so old that no one would screw you even if you could get it up. And, of course, they made sure he never got near a computer ever again. I guess that pretty well ties everything up, except that first guy that got switched. But then, I have no idea whatever happened to that dude.