Tigers

I’ve concluded that nobody would have a problem with evolution if we had evolved from Tigers. Tigers are cool. They’re big and hide in tall grass and rip things to shreds with huge, gnarly fangs and claws. They roar. I mean, that’s what you go to the zoo to see. Tigers. Pacing back and forth with that look in their eyes like they know exactly what they would do if they could get out. They would eat you. They would slash you to bits. Whatever they would do after that is pretty much beside the point as far as you’d be concerned. As far as ways to die go, being eaten by a Tiger ranks right up there at the top...well, if you have to die anyway.

You don’t go to the zoo to see the gorillas. OK, maybe you do, but gorillas are nasty. All they do is sit around and scratch themselves. They masturbate. They eat stuff they find crawling on each other. Every once in a while they get up and scream and then throw their feces at each other, and maybe you. They sleep a lot. They like to drink. They think that an old tire hanging from a tree is a pretty cool thing. They have that not so subtle look in their eyes like they don’t have a clue. Like if their cage were left open the most we could expect them to do would be to get up and close it, but probably not even that. Let’s face it; they’re emphatically stupid.

But then, I suppose it’s fairly obvious why some people, like scientists and archeologists and paleontologists and sociologists and all sorts of others -ologists, believe that we came from gorillas, aside from all that scientific stuff that nobody really wants to believe.