Lunatic Monologues #4

Squirrels

You can help me feed the squirrels if you want. It's OK. It won’t hurt them. Not the peanuts, at least. You think I’d purposely kill a squirrel? You think I’m that cruel? That mean? I didn’t mean to do it. It really wasn’t even my fault. OK. OK. I did throw the French fry out in the street. But that’s it. No. It’s not littering. I wouldn’t litter. Ever. It’s biodegradable. It’s food. I figured the birds would eat it. They do. I’ve seen them. Just go to McDonald’s and look at all the birds eating French fries. You can even feed them if you want. It’s just the damn squirrels. That damned squirrel. So he runs out in the street to get the fry. Is that my fault? Is it? I don’t see how it could be. And I wasn’t driving the car. I was just standing there. It could’ve swerved. It could’ve slowed down. Do you see people blaming the driver? Do you see her getting… getting … all this? All these squirrels? Oh, it was just a few at first. And then, everywhere I looked, there were squirrels. They were up in the trees, looking in at me, through the windows. They were out on the lawn, waiting for me to come out of the house so they could run away. Sometimes, sometimes I’ll even hear them running across my roof. I think they’re even in the attic. Oh, they’re quiet. They’re listening. Planning. They’re on the side of the road, staring at me as I drive by. And they’re here in the park. There’s one behind us now. Don’t look at him! Act like nothing’s up. Oh, I know. It’s just a matter of time. But I’m not waiting. Do you know how easy it is to get C-4? You really think Homeland Security has a clue? 30 pounds of C-4, a few hundred ball bearings, some wire…. And one little button. The instructions are all there. They got everything on the Internet. So now, all I have to do is sit here and wait… The squirrels will come. No squirrel can resist a nut.