The Ballad of Bobby

Bobby was bitchin'.
He was the coolest kid in the Junior High;
all the teachers hated him,
and he just drove the girls nuts,
doin' stuff like throwin' spit wads
and making sounds like farts
(and even farting) in class.
He'd snap all the girls' bra straps
and let everybody know which girls weren't wearing bras,
especially if he thought they should have been.
Once he even threw Old Mister Doughty's briefcase out the window,
which was really cool,
'cause it broke when it hit the ground
and stuff just went everywhere.
And he'd sit outside the principal's office
smilin' like he just didn't care.

And at the end of the year
everybody wrote in Bobby's yearbook:
"You're the coolest dude I know.
Don't ever change."
So Bobby didn't.

And while everybody else went on to the High School,
Bobby was still sitting outside the principal's office
for throwing spit wads in math.
And while everybody else
was going steady and stuff like that,
Bobby was still yelling down the hall
that Mary Elizabeth had a tampon in her purse.
And all the new kids at the Junior High
really thought Bobby was cool,
and when the end of the year came around again
they all wrote in his yearbook:
"You're one of the coolest dudes I know.
Don't ever change."

One day Bobby's parents got tired of waiting
for Bobby to get out of Junior High,
so they retired and moved to Florida,
which was really cool
'cause they left Bobby the house
and no one to tell him what to do.
Bobby threw the most bitchin' parties.
We'd all shake our pop up
and just squirt it all over the place
and never have to worry about havin' to clean it up or anything.
Then we'd call up all the girls
and talk dirty and stuff like that.
Once Bobby even had a real Playboy.

Pretty soon, though, it got old,
even for Bobby.

Even thought all the kids still wrote in his yearbook:
"You're a really cool dude.
Don't ever change."
it just wasn't as much fun anymore.

Fewer and fewer people came to his parties.
It wasn't that they weren't fun...
Well, it would've been more fun
if Bobby still had a phone.
And there just wasn't any place
you could really sit without getting all sticky.
And the bathrooms were really gross
since there was no way Bobby was ever going to clean them.

And fewer and fewer people laughed
when Bobby made Old Lady Greer cry
when he called her an old bitch
right to her face.

And when Darla Lawson
turned around right in the middle of the hall
and slapped the living shit outta Bobby
for grabbing at her bra strap,
we all still laughed,
only we weren't laughing with Bobby anymore.
Bobby still acted cool,
and he walked away like he'd planned the whole thing.

At the end of the year
everybody still signed his yearbook,
but it was all stuff like:
"Have a great summer!" or
"See ya next year."
And no one -- No one at all -- wrote:
"You're a cool dude,
don't ever change."

So Bobby decided that maybe,
just maybe, it was time to change.

Bobby got his hair cut
and put on some clean clothes.
Then he went downtown
and got a job as a junior partner in a law firm,
where he did really well
and just made tons of money.

After he had his house cleaned
he'd have everybody from the office
over for some espresso,
except on those evenings
when he'd stay in with his finacée,
who was this fine looking babe
who used to be a model for Playboy.

Once a local business magazine
even did a feature story on Bobby,
where they said he was the greatest thing to happen to business
since file folders.
And they offered him only one small piece of advice,
and that was to never change.