What if...

What if the Magi, you know, the Wise Men...those three guys who followed the star to the Nativity? Those three ceramic guys who you always place in the manger scene every year when you put out your Christmas decorations? The ones who obviously aren't the baby Jesus or Mary, but I'll be damned if I know which of the remaining four is supposed to be Joseph? Still lost? Then read your damn Bible. For Christ's sake! You'd at least think that one of you damned Christians would have actually read your f***ing Bible.

Please ignore that previous paragraph. What if, instead of bringing frankincense, gold, and myrrh (ring a bell now?), the Wise Men would've brought a Playboy (or Playgirl, or Blue Boy -- your call), Doritos, and a twelve pack, or maybe some really fine...but I digress. And maybe if one of them would have muttered, "Now this is really nice! Sitting around with people I love, eating, just slightly buzzed...this is great! I hope nobody ever f***s this up with shopping malls..." Wow. Sure beats hell out of what we've got now.

Do you suppose if the only thing that everybody asked Santa for Christmas were for him to go away, that he would? But then, what would we do with all of them damned elves? Maybe we could build a wall on our northern border, too, to keep them out.

And this all leads to...