Waking Up Straight

I woke up this morning
and I was straight.
You know, not gay.
I know what you’re thinking.
Am I kidding,
or am I serious?
Because, wow, if I’m serious,
I mean, it’s cool and all,
but wow...
But it’s OK,
because I woke up straight.
I guess you could say it’s all behind me now.
I mean, it happens.
From what I hear
people pop in and out all the time.
I mean, one minute they’re straight
and the next minute they’re standing in line
to get front row tickets
to a Chip ‘N’ Dale show,
but I don’t think I’d go wearing that.

So anyway,
I woke up this morning straight,
but I didn’t have any idea where to begin.
I mean, what do straight people do?
I’m not just talking sex;
I’m talking everything.
Are there certain stores that only they can shop in?
Are there code words?
Signals?
Secret handshakes?
How can you possibly tell
if someone else is straight,
because obviously it matters.

I suppose I’ve know some straight guys;
it’s inevitable.
Not that there’s anything wrong with straight guys.
I just don’t know very many.
You know, like I said,
maybe a few,
but it’s not like we talked about sex or anything.
I mean, that would’ve been rather pointless.

You see, the point is,
the only thing I really know about straights
is what I’ve seen on the TV.
And we all know how reliable that is.
I mean, all the gay guys I ever saw on TV
acted just like all the gay guys I know.
Except for John Ritter.
Trust me. He was.

So I suppose I’ll just have to try and fake it.
I mean, how hard could it be?
Certainly everybody’s too busy with their own lives
to give a damn about me.
And even if they knew --
you know,
that I don’t have a clue about being straight --
I can’t imagine that anyone would care.