The Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch Newsletter #7
Capital Punishment
My Fellow Americans:
Crime is rampant in our country. Whereas many solutions have been offered to stem the tide of this lawlessness, such as alleviating social injustice, educating the poor, and offering hope to the hopeless, it is obvious that these are only getting at the root of the problem. The true problem is that people are not afraid of the consequences of their actions. Quite frankly, criminals are not afraid that ultimately we will kill them if they cross that line.
The biggest argument offered against capital punishment is that it does not work. But there is no doubt that it does work. If you pump someone full of deadly chemicals or zap him with a bazillion volts, that person is going to die. And further, he is not going to commit another crime ever again.
The problem is that we don’t execute enough criminals fast enough. It can be decades before justice is done, what with mandatory appeals, reviews, and retrials. This process needs to be radically speeded up. However, we wouldn’t want to give those awaiting the ultimate punishment less rights, less opportunities, to prove their innocence than, say, a shoplifter. Therefore, I propose we take rights away from everybody. What could be more fair?
What I propose is mobile justice.
Say you are driving home from work and you’re pulled over because you and your vehicle match those involved in a murder. It could be years before you are finally able to prove your innocence. And during that time, you would be forced to spend a small fortune. In essence, simply being accused could ruin your life. And it is no doubt that the current standard of American jurisprudence is that you are as innocent as you can afford to be. My plan would solve both of those injustices.
Mobile justice is the answer. Every police force would have available to it a mobile courtroom. This would simply be a bus with the judge and jury right there. These would be professional jurors. After all, selecting an impartial jury is a difficult process. Once you find one, why let it go?
When, say, you were pulled over as in the above example, you would immediately be put on trial. Everyone would have a public defender to represent them, so the playing field would be made even. If you are found innocent, you would be on your way home. It would take no more than half an hour out of your life, and you would be happy to have performed your civic duty. If you’re found guilty, then you’re executed on the spot. That guy would be on the bus, too.
Further, to avoid the argument that the death penalty is being unfairly applied for differing crimes, I propose the death penalty for everything. After all, what cold-blooded killer didn’t start small? Speeding today, cannibalism tomorrow. Call it pre-emptive crime prevention.
It is true that innocent people might be executed. However, for the safety of the population as a whole, it would be worth it. Everyone should be willing to do their civic duty to make America safer. Besides, if you’re innocent, you have nothing to worry about.
And if a family wanted to pursue litigation for a wrongful death, they would be welcome to. After all, this is still America. Anybody could hire their own private lawyer to prove someone’s innocence. However, to avoid complicated litigation and outrageous settlements, my office has calculated the average worth of a human life on the planet. If you could prove that, say, your spouse was unfortunately wrongfully executed, then the state will be compelled to send you a check for $1.97. This amount will be regularly adjusted for inflation.
My proposal is fair. It will make America safer. It will alleviate prison over-crowding, thus reducing the tax burden on our law-abiding citizens. It will decrease unemployment and increase the average wage paid, since the fewer people there are, then the greater demand there will be for their labor. And it will reduce immigration, since no one will want to come to our country.
Remember, together we can make America a safer place.
Thank You,
The Honorable Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch
Tookie Williams, 1951-December 13, 2005
My Fellow Americans:
Crime is rampant in our country. Whereas many solutions have been offered to stem the tide of this lawlessness, such as alleviating social injustice, educating the poor, and offering hope to the hopeless, it is obvious that these are only getting at the root of the problem. The true problem is that people are not afraid of the consequences of their actions. Quite frankly, criminals are not afraid that ultimately we will kill them if they cross that line.
The biggest argument offered against capital punishment is that it does not work. But there is no doubt that it does work. If you pump someone full of deadly chemicals or zap him with a bazillion volts, that person is going to die. And further, he is not going to commit another crime ever again.
The problem is that we don’t execute enough criminals fast enough. It can be decades before justice is done, what with mandatory appeals, reviews, and retrials. This process needs to be radically speeded up. However, we wouldn’t want to give those awaiting the ultimate punishment less rights, less opportunities, to prove their innocence than, say, a shoplifter. Therefore, I propose we take rights away from everybody. What could be more fair?
What I propose is mobile justice.
Say you are driving home from work and you’re pulled over because you and your vehicle match those involved in a murder. It could be years before you are finally able to prove your innocence. And during that time, you would be forced to spend a small fortune. In essence, simply being accused could ruin your life. And it is no doubt that the current standard of American jurisprudence is that you are as innocent as you can afford to be. My plan would solve both of those injustices.
Mobile justice is the answer. Every police force would have available to it a mobile courtroom. This would simply be a bus with the judge and jury right there. These would be professional jurors. After all, selecting an impartial jury is a difficult process. Once you find one, why let it go?
When, say, you were pulled over as in the above example, you would immediately be put on trial. Everyone would have a public defender to represent them, so the playing field would be made even. If you are found innocent, you would be on your way home. It would take no more than half an hour out of your life, and you would be happy to have performed your civic duty. If you’re found guilty, then you’re executed on the spot. That guy would be on the bus, too.
Further, to avoid the argument that the death penalty is being unfairly applied for differing crimes, I propose the death penalty for everything. After all, what cold-blooded killer didn’t start small? Speeding today, cannibalism tomorrow. Call it pre-emptive crime prevention.
It is true that innocent people might be executed. However, for the safety of the population as a whole, it would be worth it. Everyone should be willing to do their civic duty to make America safer. Besides, if you’re innocent, you have nothing to worry about.
And if a family wanted to pursue litigation for a wrongful death, they would be welcome to. After all, this is still America. Anybody could hire their own private lawyer to prove someone’s innocence. However, to avoid complicated litigation and outrageous settlements, my office has calculated the average worth of a human life on the planet. If you could prove that, say, your spouse was unfortunately wrongfully executed, then the state will be compelled to send you a check for $1.97. This amount will be regularly adjusted for inflation.
My proposal is fair. It will make America safer. It will alleviate prison over-crowding, thus reducing the tax burden on our law-abiding citizens. It will decrease unemployment and increase the average wage paid, since the fewer people there are, then the greater demand there will be for their labor. And it will reduce immigration, since no one will want to come to our country.
Remember, together we can make America a safer place.
Thank You,
The Honorable Senator Leonard K. Bullfinch
Tookie Williams, 1951-December 13, 2005
posted by The Holy Grail Press at 10:24 AM
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